Sometimes I am envious of the rain; the way it just lets go and pours down. I wish I could do that... just cry if I want to cry. Not have to act like everything is okay to everyone else. If I feel something, then I want to feel it without having to hide. Not sit and smile, and wait for it to go away.
And why, if we are so filled with excitement, passion or happiness, can't we dance like crazy in public? All those peering eyes shouldn't count for a thing. To hell with it!
Why are we so afraid of our emotions? Or more importantly, why are we afraid to show them to others? We're all human; we all feel happiness and pain, danger and love. So why do we let other people's thoughts cloud our own need to express?
If I'm happy, I will dance. If I'm sad, I will cry. And if I love, then I will love with all my heart. Because I don't want to hide anymore.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Pitter patter on my window.
I love the rain. And I don't understand how people can't love the rain.
Worried about your hair? Mud on your shoes? Come on people, you can't have a rainbow without any rain... Nor can you go jumping in puddles, or squish-stomping in the mud!
I can tell you something I know I definitely don't love however... Umbrellas! I have the worst luck with these annoying things that claim to be "helpful." Over the past about three years, every umbrella I've owned has flipped upside-down, or been stolen, or has had its handle snap... Once I had a spider crawl out of my umbrella only to drop right on my head! Urhh.
Umbrellas are EVIL.
Worried about your hair? Mud on your shoes? Come on people, you can't have a rainbow without any rain... Nor can you go jumping in puddles, or squish-stomping in the mud!I can tell you something I know I definitely don't love however... Umbrellas! I have the worst luck with these annoying things that claim to be "helpful." Over the past about three years, every umbrella I've owned has flipped upside-down, or been stolen, or has had its handle snap... Once I had a spider crawl out of my umbrella only to drop right on my head! Urhh.
Umbrellas are EVIL.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The poison.
I'm trying this new thing you see... "sucking all the poison out of my life" as Cady from Mean Girls had put it. And laugh if you wish for quoting that film, but pretty much, that's our whole generation encompassed in a 97 minute piece. Go on, deny it.
So I'm attempting to mend my broken things. To face people you've wronged is difficult though; perhaps an easy task on paper, but admiting you're wrong, asking for forgiveness, or simply walking up to someone you've drifted from, I'm finding to be entirely difficult. I suppose rejection is the biggest thing I fear in these situations. You can try as much as you like to be mature and try to fix things, but nothing is stopping the other person from simply walking away. Sure, you've tried, but are they going to put as much effort in it as you are willing to? And will things ever be the same?
I did something this year... I made a decision that I'm meant to feel guilty about it. And you know, parts of me do, but parts of me just can't submit to guilt; these parts are attached to something stronger than the past, something stronger than my desire to even be forgiven.
Things aren't making much sense are they? Well I suppose nothing ever really makes complete sense.
So I'm attempting to mend my broken things. To face people you've wronged is difficult though; perhaps an easy task on paper, but admiting you're wrong, asking for forgiveness, or simply walking up to someone you've drifted from, I'm finding to be entirely difficult. I suppose rejection is the biggest thing I fear in these situations. You can try as much as you like to be mature and try to fix things, but nothing is stopping the other person from simply walking away. Sure, you've tried, but are they going to put as much effort in it as you are willing to? And will things ever be the same?
I did something this year... I made a decision that I'm meant to feel guilty about it. And you know, parts of me do, but parts of me just can't submit to guilt; these parts are attached to something stronger than the past, something stronger than my desire to even be forgiven.
Things aren't making much sense are they? Well I suppose nothing ever really makes complete sense.
Monday, July 26, 2010
The lovebirds are back.
For those who read my first blog a couple days ago ('People are interesting'), you can guess who these are. They were back again today... so cute. I had share a pic.
Sorry, I forgot I had a fly screen lol. It's pretty blurry, but you can see them.
Masking our fear.
We're renovating! Okay not really, but we're fixing up our garden... That's still technically renovating, isn't it? Well it excited me today to discover that we now have a gardener! Though, to my despair, he is no Jesse Metcalfe *sigh. Instead, we have a scruffy looking middle-aged man who doesn't seem to actually do much. Each time I peeked out the kitchen window, he was simply standing there, one hand on his hip and the other holding a drink bottle. Oh well, as long as he gets the job done, and whatever's in that bottle isn't Vodka, then I think we're good.
Our garden used to be quite an interesting place, previously mistakable for the Amazon... but more recently for the Sahara. It used to have all these huge flowers and lovely bushes everywhere, with a lively pond amidst it all... Until the summer of 2008 where everything shriveled and died in the heat, and had since been denied any attention.
So about school, I think I have grays coming through! What is it with school anyway? They want us to stress, they don't want us to stress... MAKE UP YOUR MINDS! I keep trying to convince myself (and others) that it's nothing to stress about. And it isn't; it's not the end of the world. We have to keep calm and do our best, blah blah blah... but how can we help it?
My grade's actually quite funny. We're all acting as if everything is okay on the outside, but I think we're all just masking our fear at the moment. Trials are just next week, and when you talk to each person, you discover that almost every girl in the form has such anxiety. I myself had a bit of a breakdown just the other day in Drama... It started off as simply laughing about something silly in our group performance rehearsal, to uncontrollable laughing, then finally to hysterical laughing mixed with hysterical crying! It was funny, but I didn't know what was happening. All I knew was I couldn't control whatever it was. The stress just got to me like never before I suppose. Usually I'm calm and contained. I guess we all crack at some point; all our stitches come undone in one painful tear. As long as we can get back up and compose ourselves.
We all have to come to terms, however, with the fact that HSC is indeed not the end. There are always other ways of getting into whatever it is that you love after school. Whether you have to study at an alternative university or at TAFE for a semester or a year... so what? If what you love is worth it, then it shouldn't be a problem.
And keep in mind dedication takes a lifetime, but dreams only last for a night.
Our garden used to be quite an interesting place, previously mistakable for the Amazon... but more recently for the Sahara. It used to have all these huge flowers and lovely bushes everywhere, with a lively pond amidst it all... Until the summer of 2008 where everything shriveled and died in the heat, and had since been denied any attention.
So about school, I think I have grays coming through! What is it with school anyway? They want us to stress, they don't want us to stress... MAKE UP YOUR MINDS! I keep trying to convince myself (and others) that it's nothing to stress about. And it isn't; it's not the end of the world. We have to keep calm and do our best, blah blah blah... but how can we help it?
My grade's actually quite funny. We're all acting as if everything is okay on the outside, but I think we're all just masking our fear at the moment. Trials are just next week, and when you talk to each person, you discover that almost every girl in the form has such anxiety. I myself had a bit of a breakdown just the other day in Drama... It started off as simply laughing about something silly in our group performance rehearsal, to uncontrollable laughing, then finally to hysterical laughing mixed with hysterical crying! It was funny, but I didn't know what was happening. All I knew was I couldn't control whatever it was. The stress just got to me like never before I suppose. Usually I'm calm and contained. I guess we all crack at some point; all our stitches come undone in one painful tear. As long as we can get back up and compose ourselves.
We all have to come to terms, however, with the fact that HSC is indeed not the end. There are always other ways of getting into whatever it is that you love after school. Whether you have to study at an alternative university or at TAFE for a semester or a year... so what? If what you love is worth it, then it shouldn't be a problem.
And keep in mind dedication takes a lifetime, but dreams only last for a night.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
I can't wait.
8 days until trials.
34 days until six months.
60 days until graduation.
81 days until my 18th birthday.
81 days until the start of HSC.
101 days until FREEDOM.
124 days until formal.
128 days until the best Summer of my life.
143 days until I find out my HSC results.
144 days until I find out my ATAR results.
155 days until the Canadians come to visit.
159 days until the new year.
34 days until six months.
60 days until graduation.
81 days until my 18th birthday.
81 days until the start of HSC.
101 days until FREEDOM.
124 days until formal.
128 days until the best Summer of my life.
143 days until I find out my HSC results.
144 days until I find out my ATAR results.
155 days until the Canadians come to visit.
159 days until the new year.
Unease.
I had one of the worst sleeps of my life last night. Perhaps some of you can relate...
It was one of those nights where you spend the entire time between torpidity and consciousness. I would fall asleep, have some kind of strange dream, wake to find myself in an unbearable heat, throw my sheets off, scorn at the time, shut my eyes, stress to the point where I feel like I'm going to be sick, finally fall asleep again, and then back to the beginning of the cycle and repeat in a similar manner.
However, the third-to-last time I woke, I found a message on my phone which was incredible, from someone who means a lot to me. I didn't at all expect it, and it had this really strange effect on me. I took me ages to reply to it... I just wanted to read over it, it was just so raw and meant a lot to me. I hope my reply had the same effect on them.
Sometimes I wonder whether people know how much they're appreciated. In general, I don't think people often go out of their way to let a friend know how much they mean to them, or how someone has saved their life. I too don't express it as much as I probably should... I think I hide behind my writing as a way of expressing myself. I can never find words in conversation to justify my thoughts.
And sometimes it's simply difficult to confront someone. For example the letter I posted here earlier... Will they ever even read it? I don't know. Would they want to? Can't say they would. Sometimes as humans, we need to get things off our chest I suppose. I wrote it the second-to-last time I woke, half asleep and desperate to say something on the topic. Perhaps one day we'll talk again and things may be mended.
On another note, Synthia introduced me to the most amazing packeted cookies today! They're called Original Gourmet Sandwich Cookies and they're available at Franklins for $1 for this massive pack. OMG. Foodgasm. Haha. They're so addictive, and they're imported from Turkey. I definitely recommend ;)
It was one of those nights where you spend the entire time between torpidity and consciousness. I would fall asleep, have some kind of strange dream, wake to find myself in an unbearable heat, throw my sheets off, scorn at the time, shut my eyes, stress to the point where I feel like I'm going to be sick, finally fall asleep again, and then back to the beginning of the cycle and repeat in a similar manner.
However, the third-to-last time I woke, I found a message on my phone which was incredible, from someone who means a lot to me. I didn't at all expect it, and it had this really strange effect on me. I took me ages to reply to it... I just wanted to read over it, it was just so raw and meant a lot to me. I hope my reply had the same effect on them.
Sometimes I wonder whether people know how much they're appreciated. In general, I don't think people often go out of their way to let a friend know how much they mean to them, or how someone has saved their life. I too don't express it as much as I probably should... I think I hide behind my writing as a way of expressing myself. I can never find words in conversation to justify my thoughts.
And sometimes it's simply difficult to confront someone. For example the letter I posted here earlier... Will they ever even read it? I don't know. Would they want to? Can't say they would. Sometimes as humans, we need to get things off our chest I suppose. I wrote it the second-to-last time I woke, half asleep and desperate to say something on the topic. Perhaps one day we'll talk again and things may be mended.
On another note, Synthia introduced me to the most amazing packeted cookies today! They're called Original Gourmet Sandwich Cookies and they're available at Franklins for $1 for this massive pack. OMG. Foodgasm. Haha. They're so addictive, and they're imported from Turkey. I definitely recommend ;)
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Dear you.
Dear you,
You may not know who you are, and perhaps you may never even read this. Maybe someone who does read this will be able to get something out of it... There are a few things I need to say.
When we were friends, I thought we weren't. But now we're not, I realise how much trust I put in you. Isn't trust what makes a friendship? There were so many layers to what we were; I can't really grasp any kind of idea.
Right now, what I do know is that you hate me, and frankly, I dislike you quite a lot. The thing is, it's only due to the things you've done to people close to me that I feel that way about you. And you hate me for hurting you. But if we were real friends, well, it would not have hurt. You would have been okay with whatever decision I had made. The decision was mine to make, and if you were my friend, you would have supported me.
But this is not about hate, this is about concern. Even though we're not friends, and I'm not sure if we ever were, I worry about you heaps. It's strange - I wonder if you're okay after everything that's happened. We shared a lot, and those things you told me still plague my mind. Every time I see you, even you quickly divert your eyes onto something else, many things play over in my mind. I'm so scared that something is going to happen.
Then I wonder if I should do something to try and help you. Would it be any use? I tried when we were still talking, and that was no success. I hope you have someone to talk to and who cares about you enough to do something about everything. A part of me wishes I could be that person, who can jump in and save you if you needed me, but I know I'm one of the last people you'd want to help you, or even talk to you for that matter.
The only way you'd talk to me again was if I went back on my decision, but I could never do that. It means too much to me to give up. But if you trusted me as much as I trusted you, then you would see I'm not trying to hurt you.
I see you occasionally, and the way you mask everything. I hope that you will be able to remove it slowly, and bandage things bit by bit. I hope it doesn't suddenly shatter to pieces. But if it does, you have to know how strong you are, and know you can push past it.
You need to know I'm here for you, despite everything.
You may not know who you are, and perhaps you may never even read this. Maybe someone who does read this will be able to get something out of it... There are a few things I need to say.
When we were friends, I thought we weren't. But now we're not, I realise how much trust I put in you. Isn't trust what makes a friendship? There were so many layers to what we were; I can't really grasp any kind of idea.
Right now, what I do know is that you hate me, and frankly, I dislike you quite a lot. The thing is, it's only due to the things you've done to people close to me that I feel that way about you. And you hate me for hurting you. But if we were real friends, well, it would not have hurt. You would have been okay with whatever decision I had made. The decision was mine to make, and if you were my friend, you would have supported me.
But this is not about hate, this is about concern. Even though we're not friends, and I'm not sure if we ever were, I worry about you heaps. It's strange - I wonder if you're okay after everything that's happened. We shared a lot, and those things you told me still plague my mind. Every time I see you, even you quickly divert your eyes onto something else, many things play over in my mind. I'm so scared that something is going to happen.
Then I wonder if I should do something to try and help you. Would it be any use? I tried when we were still talking, and that was no success. I hope you have someone to talk to and who cares about you enough to do something about everything. A part of me wishes I could be that person, who can jump in and save you if you needed me, but I know I'm one of the last people you'd want to help you, or even talk to you for that matter.
The only way you'd talk to me again was if I went back on my decision, but I could never do that. It means too much to me to give up. But if you trusted me as much as I trusted you, then you would see I'm not trying to hurt you.
I see you occasionally, and the way you mask everything. I hope that you will be able to remove it slowly, and bandage things bit by bit. I hope it doesn't suddenly shatter to pieces. But if it does, you have to know how strong you are, and know you can push past it.
You need to know I'm here for you, despite everything.
People are interesting.
Sitting here at my desk, I have a second level vantage point to the houses across the park from me. Particularly "Barry". Well, to be honest, I've never actually met him, and nor do I know his real name. It's funny you know, cause I've never talked to him, but I know what days he does his laundry, the colour of his bedsheets, his dogs' names, and that he never wears any other shoes but those damn yellow flip flops! Okay, he just noticed me staring at him... Awkward smile, walk away!
oOookay, thought - I wonder if he knows random things about me. What would he know? Would he have a name for me? How weird. Wait, then that makes me weird. I swear I'm not weird.
I find people incredibly interesting. Their mannerisms, the way they compose themselves, the way they react to one another... I especially love watching discussions - two minds exploding together. Each person with differing views, shaped by lives lived on separate strands of the universe. It's interesting, in particular, to watch a discussion turn into an argument. I don't completely understand these yet. I mean, of course I've been in arguments with people, but I've come to realise that arguments generally result from misunderstanding. I can't comprehend how people can't try and look at the other person's point of view. But it is quite interesting.
Something else I love about people are their emotions; how each one can be so strong or so fragile. Some people have a heart of stone, but a mind that can shatter into a thousand tiny pieces in a single moment. And there are people, like me I suppose, who have a solid mask, but are easily broken on the inside. I sometimes wonder whether people can be split into two - solid heart or solid mind. Then again, we're surely more complex than that. Well then, how many pieces must we be?
On another note, I think the two birds on my fence are in love. Okay, I know that seems incredibly random, but every day they meet on that spot of my fence right outside my bedroom window. I can tell they're the same birds. They just sit there, cuddled close together, as the world goes by. I suppose that's a part of what love is... Moments of simple togetherness, looking in each other's eyes and seeing nothing but them; the rest of the world is a completely separate and faraway place.
Well, enough random rambling for one day... I should probably get some more study done! Arrivederci
oOookay, thought - I wonder if he knows random things about me. What would he know? Would he have a name for me? How weird. Wait, then that makes me weird. I swear I'm not weird.
I find people incredibly interesting. Their mannerisms, the way they compose themselves, the way they react to one another... I especially love watching discussions - two minds exploding together. Each person with differing views, shaped by lives lived on separate strands of the universe. It's interesting, in particular, to watch a discussion turn into an argument. I don't completely understand these yet. I mean, of course I've been in arguments with people, but I've come to realise that arguments generally result from misunderstanding. I can't comprehend how people can't try and look at the other person's point of view. But it is quite interesting.
Something else I love about people are their emotions; how each one can be so strong or so fragile. Some people have a heart of stone, but a mind that can shatter into a thousand tiny pieces in a single moment. And there are people, like me I suppose, who have a solid mask, but are easily broken on the inside. I sometimes wonder whether people can be split into two - solid heart or solid mind. Then again, we're surely more complex than that. Well then, how many pieces must we be?
On another note, I think the two birds on my fence are in love. Okay, I know that seems incredibly random, but every day they meet on that spot of my fence right outside my bedroom window. I can tell they're the same birds. They just sit there, cuddled close together, as the world goes by. I suppose that's a part of what love is... Moments of simple togetherness, looking in each other's eyes and seeing nothing but them; the rest of the world is a completely separate and faraway place.
Well, enough random rambling for one day... I should probably get some more study done! Arrivederci
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