Cue focus.

The way I feel about working on my assignment right now –

Every time, every assignment, my mind will jump to something completely irrelevant and starkly different in entertainment or engagement value. In other words, almost anything is more exciting than assignments. The only way I get stuff done is being under the pressure of not wanting to actually fail!

See? Look what I’m doing now – instead of working on it, I’m writing about not working on it! That's it. I’m just going to read my research. Separate myself from distractions and read… this whole thing… right now. Okay, cue focus.

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Weak sometimes.

There is no-one in this world who makes me more upset than I do. I'm realising how weak and cowardly I can be, and I'm not sure I'm okay with that.

I feel like I have this mask that I'm supposed to wear in front of people, reassuring them that I'm strong and can handle anything. And although I do have strength and have been able to take on a lot, there's a fragile inner layer that I don't allow myself reveal very often. Instead I keep it inside me, only allowing it to shatter when no-one sees; or otherwise when I can't take anymore and find myself breaking down in front of a bus load of strangers.

Sometimes I don't have the courage to fully say what I mean, and this makes me say things that I don't mean. And then people misunderstand and I become misunderstood, feelings are hurt and I could have fixed it, but I didn't.

It's the same cycle: I walk away, call, hang up, call back, but remain unchanged, hang up again, and I'm upset. Not with the other person for not understanding, but with myself for the cowardice in not saying what I should have. I believe in bravery, but my written words come easier than the spoken ones. For a girl with a mind full of words, not enough of them are uttered.

The thing is I try, and you can't ask anything more from me because I want to be better; I'm just not there yet. I make myself feel guilty over it as well, when really I shouldn't. I've pushed myself so far over the past year and a half to be freer. I'm sorry to anyone who thinks that I hold back - I do. And I'm sorry if I've made you feel bad over it in any way. It's entirely my own fault.

Is it so bad to hold back sometimes though? Must our hearts remain on our sleeves all the time? Of course there are some people who we can open up to, revealing things that you wouldn't to anyone else, "Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” (James Arthur Baldwin) But sometimes there's a limit that you try to break past and just can't.

In time this can change, but also in time the things that seemed to have such relevance fade into the background. Having those people in your life that you can take your mask off in front of is what will set you free... Hopefully in time I will find a way to do that wholly and completely. I just need time. I'm trying.

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Don't worry, be happy.

How hard is it to be a nice person, really? Being nice comes from being happy and being happy comes naturally... If being angry is what feels natural, it may just be a matter of changing your attitude.

I really don't understand the origin of some people's rudeness and brutality. To an extent, it's your choice as to whether or not you want to be in a happy, sad, angry, whatever mood. The key to it all: finding the silver lining.

Yes, other people can be mean. Yes, bad things happen. Yes, when it rains it sometimes storms. But what's the point in letting it get to you? There is no point! Do you see my point?

No matter what you're going through in your day, there is always something to smile about (as cheesy as that sounds) - you've got your health, a roof over your head, food in your cupboard, someone to love... You always have something, anything. Often, there are people in far worse situations than you, who don't complain. Why? Because they find a way to be happy, and it’s really not hard.

As I said, it's about attitude. If you're going to always look at the negative things in life, you’re going to have crappy days throughout it. It's simple mathematics:

Good attitude = Good day

Shitty attitude = Shitty day

Remember the good stuff, eliminate and forget the rest, and move on. The minutes go by whether you enjoy them or not; and don't you think you're better off enjoying them? It's your choice.

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Brave.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear.

The brave may not live forever,

but the cautious do not live at all.

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Invisible.

Compassion and pity.

So to answer your question, no, I did not disappear off the face of the earth :) Sometimes life just presents us with challenges that get in the way of things, including in this instance, blogging! Eek. 3 weeks. Sorry.

You're not going to believe me when I say this, but I was actually in hospital again last week for - you guessed it - another operation! I'm doing okay now, it was nothing serious and there's no need to worry, but "third time's a charm" right? Well I don't really know what that saying is actually intended to mean, but I'm going to go with, three ops in one year is plenty! I think I've met my quota :)

It's weird when you're sick, you come to realise a lot more clearly who your friends are, and the separation between them and those who pretend to care just because they feel sorry for you. That may sound a little harsh, but compassion and pity are two very different things.

Pity is the void filler, and the thing is, pity is usually asked for by the pitied. Unless there is something in you that makes you feel the need to be felt sorry for, it's an uncomfortable feeling to be pitied. It's as if you're not good enough, or rather, not strong enough to push past your obstacle. And in truth, everyone has the strength to push through.

Pity is momentary, whereas compassion will stick with you through challenges. In times when we need our friends and family the most, compassion reminds us that we're not alone. To paraphrase The Beatles, we get by with a little help from our friends.
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