I feel like I have this mask that I'm supposed to wear in front of people, reassuring them that I'm strong and can handle anything. And although I do have strength and have been able to take on a lot, there's a fragile inner layer that I don't allow myself reveal very often. Instead I keep it inside me, only allowing it to shatter when no-one sees; or otherwise when I can't take anymore and find myself breaking down in front of a bus load of strangers.
Sometimes I don't have the courage to fully say what I mean, and this makes me say things that I don't mean. And then people misunderstand and I become misunderstood, feelings are hurt and I could have fixed it, but I didn't.
It's the same cycle: I walk away, call, hang up, call back, but remain unchanged, hang up again, and I'm upset. Not with the other person for not understanding, but with myself for the cowardice in not saying what I should have. I believe in bravery, but my written words come easier than the spoken ones. For a girl with a mind full of words, not enough of them are uttered.
The thing is I try, and you can't ask anything more from me because I want to be better; I'm just not there yet. I make myself feel guilty over it as well, when really I shouldn't. I've pushed myself so far over the past year and a half to be freer. I'm sorry to anyone who thinks that I hold back - I do. And I'm sorry if I've made you feel bad over it in any way. It's entirely my own fault.
Is it so bad to hold back sometimes though? Must our hearts remain on our sleeves all the time? Of course there are some people who we can open up to, revealing things that you wouldn't to anyone else, "Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” (James Arthur Baldwin) But sometimes there's a limit that you try to break past and just can't.
In time this can change, but also in time the things that seemed to have such relevance fade into the background. Having those people in your life that you can take your mask off in front of is what will set you free... Hopefully in time I will find a way to do that wholly and completely. I just need time. I'm trying.
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Although it is of no compare to the physical sensation of embrace, I hope that perhaps this may permeate to the very depths and source of your unnerve *amorous hug* ♥
ReplyDeleteThank you, my seldom-seen once and future friend :) It is very much felt and appreciated. ♥
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