I'm back.

Wow... it has been a while. I'm not sure I can give a complete reason for such a long absence, except perhaps that I just needed a break. Sometimes writing this blog, as I gain more readers, I feel a pressure build that my writing has to in some way mean something for everyone, and I'm not sure if it really does. I mean, I hope it does, but then I feel like I'm writing more for my readers than anything. And I set out to write these pieces for both myself and for my readers.

So for a while there, I started writing things that were not invested in myself enough. I hope that makes enough sense; I don't mean I feel a need to constantly talk about myself, but I just need to be in my writing, I need to come through.

The drafts I have saved in the past couple of months are okay I suppose, but I think my journalism subject last semester kind of messed with my perception of audience. I don't want to think of you as 'audience.' I'm not writing for an 'audience,' I'm writing for you, the individual reading this, and for me.

And so, I will be back soon with me, for you.

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Reimagining.

I'm beginning to realise how much we actually rely on our memories. Every thought we have will in some way be connected to our memories; our fears, relationships, knowledge, taste, everything.

The way we think about things in the present and future will always depend on the things that have happened to us in the past. Or, more specifically, what we remember to have happened. Think of it in the same lines as post-traumatic stress disorder, but to a way less extent. You see, when we consider something - anything - our thoughts are triggered by what we know or remember about them from what we've experienced in life.

From when we are born, our only natural fears are instinctual. And so our fears are conditioned, and so too are our thoughts and feelings by each and every small moment in our lives.

Now, maybe you're thinking "Well of course, that's so straight forward. What's your point?" (Or maybe not.) But the point is this, what if we were to re-remember them? What if we took ourselves back to a certain memory and reimagine that moment, understanding it differently and thus changing how we think of it now?

I don't exactly mean tricking ourselves into believing something happened which didn't, but rather rethinking our reaction to an event or someone else's. We consistently misinterpret other's actions and reactions, so if we attempt to reimagine them, we can then change the connotations our memories hold for us.

In this way then, can't we change our future reactions to the things that hold a connected fear or resentment? Considering these different perspectives from our past can make for a better future. We're letting go, not of the memories, but of the possibly unnecessarily negative connotation they hold for us in the future.

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Adventures to be had #2.

A year of summers.

Days at the beach are days well spent!

Spending summer in Australia then moving on overseas during the winter to have summer again. (And avoiding the cold!)

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Why is this even a debate?

You know, I don't know much about this whole same-sex marriage debate, but really it doesn't seem like it's something that has to be very thoroughly read into as it's pretty straightforward – we're all the damn same. Why is it so hard for people to understand that?

It's an equality debate all over again. Sexism and racism are in the past – well, idealistically. Women, indigenous people and African-Americans are just some of these cast-out groups of the past that we now wonder what we were even thinking degrading them, giving them less rights than ourselves.

I say "ourselves" even though I would have fallen into the "women" category had I been a part of that generation, but really "ourselves" would in this sense refer to those who are allowed to have the same rights as the greater public. By disallowing someone to have the same rights as everyone else, you're discriminating once again against the person that they are.

How many times do we have to be reminded that we're all human? I can just see an image of the future – once everyone figures it out – of same-sex marriage, and people wondering why we ever made such a fuss over it; in the same way we wonder now why women hadn't the same rights as men, or indigenous children were taken from their homes, or segregation happened because of the shade of someone's skin. Really, you're punishing someone for being who they are. Shouldn't we be free to love who we love and marry that person if we wish to?

To put it simply: this is stupid. There shouldn't even be debate over it. I believe people should continue to fight for what they want, and those standing in the way (who, by the way, are in no way even affected by it) should just give up because you're simply repeating the mistakes of the past. And having apologised for those mistakes in the past is all being taken back, because if you had been sorry for discrimination, you wouldn't be discriminating again.

I'm sorry about those who disagree with this post, but if you are one of those people, you and your closed mind can find the exit at the 'X'

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I thought I understood it.

"I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it,
But I didn't, not really.
Only the smudgeness of it,
The pink-slippered, all containered,
Semi-precious, eagerness of it.

I didn't realise it would sometimes be more than whole,
That the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea.
Because it's the halves that halve you in half.

I didn't know, don't know, about the between bits,
The gory bits of you, and gory bits of me."

– Anna, Like Crazy

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Realness.

I'm trying to grasp the concept of realness and people's perceptions of what realness is in films and stories. We get so accustomed to fiction and the forms that build up a structured story, but when this structure is formed upon the real, do we want to listen? Or do we expect it to end as a story would?

I hear so many critics (not necessarily the professional kind, just anyone with an opinion, so really just anyone) talk about the way films or books end in a way they didn't want them to when they're based on the real. This seems slightly ignorant when you consider an audience expecting the sick man to die, the unhappy couple to make up or the lost girl to find her way.

When we base stories on the real, we often structure them like stories, but they don't take the same course as one, they generally take their actual paths, albeit with tweaks. So we expect them to end like a story, often the way we want them to end. But the sick man surviving, the unhappy couple splitting up and the lost girl remaining lost, often is the real. We often feel it should be like what we expect in life - or prepare ourselves for in life - whether it be good or bad.

What I guess I'm trying to get at in my roundabout way, is that we cannot expect stories to just be stories, we have to not expect, just as we do in life. Often enough, stories are lives and our lives are stories.

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The music.

Stupid useless wisdom teeth.

Whoever tells you getting your wisdom teeth out is easy is lying... Or just had a different experience to me. Now I'm not one to really complain about a considerably minor operation (comparative to my 2011 anyway), but it's been such a bad experience.

To start off with, under general anaesthetic, aren't you supposed to be totally "asleep" so to speak? I woke up twice - once to drilling and another time to stitches being pulled through my gum. Yeah, thanks Mr Anaesthesiologist-and-Dental-Surgeon all-in-one.

As a child, my dental record literally had a big red stamp on it that said "PHOBIA" so you can just imagine my horror waking up during a procedure like that! Even though I didn't feel pain the way I would have without most of the anaesthetic doing its job, it was quite traumatising... Particularly as I'll soon have to do it again for my other two wisdom teeth.

Now, perhaps I'm wrong and I wasn't supposed to be fully under, but they could have at least warned me that might happen. In a way I guess I'm glad it happened whilst just getting my wisdom teeth out. Can you imagine waking up during an appendectomy? Eek.

Then I was told to put ice on it straight away, but I live almost an hour away from my dental surgery, so my face inflated like a balloon. I didn't even get one of those wrap-around-your-head ice things everyone talks about getting when they get their wisdom teeth out, so even when I did get home, and since then, I've had to constantly hold up two ice packs to my face. Yes, that seems like a dumb thing to complain about, but you don't realise how much you need your hands until they're both occupied being numbed whilst trying to assist the numbing. For the first couple of days, taking those ice packs off your face for just a few seconds feels like your gums will explode.

To those yet to get their wisdom teeth out, I'm sorry if I've added to any concern you may have had already. Everyone's experience is different. I've heard horror stories and I've heard real success stories. There's really no use worrying until after it happens, and then, well, you can vent to the online world about it I guess...

Ugghhhh. I want real food.

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Adventures to be had #1.

Sometimes I feel like there are so many things in the world that it's overwhelming - so many places to visit, things to experience, emotions to feel, books to read, skills to learn, so many people to savour every moment with... This post is the beginning of my stream of adventures to be had.

The architecture, the art, the food, the fashion... Paris, France.

I have visited Paris in the past, when I was only young. The experience always changes when you grow older; there are new things you want to see and do. When it comes to places such as those beautiful spots in Europe, I don't believe in site-seeing. I would rather spend a long period of time in a beautiful place living like a local than a short period looking at the things we're told we "have to see" when we visit.

Qui peut résister? Paris est magnifique!

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Things that win my heart #12.

Books by your favourite author that come autographed!

But more importantly, books that can make you laugh and cry in the same sentence; that you finish overnight for lack of power to put them down, delving into your fears and hopes through them. Ones that you forget are fiction because they're too wonderful, daring, terrifying, poetic and honest not to be part of the real world.

Thank you John Green.

"I believe the universe wants to be noticed. I think the universe is 

improbably biased toward consciousness, that it rewards intelligence 

in part because the universe enjoys its elegance being observed." 

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Holding our grudges.

I don't know why I haven't been able to complete any of the different drafts I have saved to this blog in the past few weeks. Sorry for the absence; I guess it's really been a challenge to get my thoughts in order. And there has been a lot to think about.

The one thing that has come up the most in this time has been grudges. They've popped up in conversations, situations and contemplations on end! Perhaps this is because of the whole "new year, new beginnings" thing and people want to begin the year without bitterness, but in saying this, I don't understand it.

I don't think we should be getting over our "grudges" just because we've suddenly decided to have a clean slate ahead of us. We have to clean that slate ourselves, not just dump its contents on the ground and expect everything to be okay.

A grudge is "a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury." People say we should let them go because there's "no point holding onto the past," but really, these past insults or injuries change the way we see the person who had caused them. We are given the chance to learn a new side to their character. By suddenly letting go of a grudge without reason, we're ignoring that part of who they are.

Now I'm not saying we should hold onto our grudges forever; I'm just saying perhaps we're better off figuring them out. Has the person changed? Or do we simply wish to imagine they have changed? There's a vast difference.

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