I thought I understood it.

"I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it,
But I didn't, not really.
Only the smudgeness of it,
The pink-slippered, all containered,
Semi-precious, eagerness of it.

I didn't realise it would sometimes be more than whole,
That the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea.
Because it's the halves that halve you in half.

I didn't know, don't know, about the between bits,
The gory bits of you, and gory bits of me."

– Anna, Like Crazy

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Realness.

I'm trying to grasp the concept of realness and people's perceptions of what realness is in films and stories. We get so accustomed to fiction and the forms that build up a structured story, but when this structure is formed upon the real, do we want to listen? Or do we expect it to end as a story would?

I hear so many critics (not necessarily the professional kind, just anyone with an opinion, so really just anyone) talk about the way films or books end in a way they didn't want them to when they're based on the real. This seems slightly ignorant when you consider an audience expecting the sick man to die, the unhappy couple to make up or the lost girl to find her way.

When we base stories on the real, we often structure them like stories, but they don't take the same course as one, they generally take their actual paths, albeit with tweaks. So we expect them to end like a story, often the way we want them to end. But the sick man surviving, the unhappy couple splitting up and the lost girl remaining lost, often is the real. We often feel it should be like what we expect in life - or prepare ourselves for in life - whether it be good or bad.

What I guess I'm trying to get at in my roundabout way, is that we cannot expect stories to just be stories, we have to not expect, just as we do in life. Often enough, stories are lives and our lives are stories.

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The music.

Stupid useless wisdom teeth.

Whoever tells you getting your wisdom teeth out is easy is lying... Or just had a different experience to me. Now I'm not one to really complain about a considerably minor operation (comparative to my 2011 anyway), but it's been such a bad experience.

To start off with, under general anaesthetic, aren't you supposed to be totally "asleep" so to speak? I woke up twice - once to drilling and another time to stitches being pulled through my gum. Yeah, thanks Mr Anaesthesiologist-and-Dental-Surgeon all-in-one.

As a child, my dental record literally had a big red stamp on it that said "PHOBIA" so you can just imagine my horror waking up during a procedure like that! Even though I didn't feel pain the way I would have without most of the anaesthetic doing its job, it was quite traumatising... Particularly as I'll soon have to do it again for my other two wisdom teeth.

Now, perhaps I'm wrong and I wasn't supposed to be fully under, but they could have at least warned me that might happen. In a way I guess I'm glad it happened whilst just getting my wisdom teeth out. Can you imagine waking up during an appendectomy? Eek.

Then I was told to put ice on it straight away, but I live almost an hour away from my dental surgery, so my face inflated like a balloon. I didn't even get one of those wrap-around-your-head ice things everyone talks about getting when they get their wisdom teeth out, so even when I did get home, and since then, I've had to constantly hold up two ice packs to my face. Yes, that seems like a dumb thing to complain about, but you don't realise how much you need your hands until they're both occupied being numbed whilst trying to assist the numbing. For the first couple of days, taking those ice packs off your face for just a few seconds feels like your gums will explode.

To those yet to get their wisdom teeth out, I'm sorry if I've added to any concern you may have had already. Everyone's experience is different. I've heard horror stories and I've heard real success stories. There's really no use worrying until after it happens, and then, well, you can vent to the online world about it I guess...

Ugghhhh. I want real food.

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Adventures to be had #1.

Sometimes I feel like there are so many things in the world that it's overwhelming - so many places to visit, things to experience, emotions to feel, books to read, skills to learn, so many people to savour every moment with... This post is the beginning of my stream of adventures to be had.

The architecture, the art, the food, the fashion... Paris, France.

I have visited Paris in the past, when I was only young. The experience always changes when you grow older; there are new things you want to see and do. When it comes to places such as those beautiful spots in Europe, I don't believe in site-seeing. I would rather spend a long period of time in a beautiful place living like a local than a short period looking at the things we're told we "have to see" when we visit.

Qui peut résister? Paris est magnifique!

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Things that win my heart #12.

Books by your favourite author that come autographed!

But more importantly, books that can make you laugh and cry in the same sentence; that you finish overnight for lack of power to put them down, delving into your fears and hopes through them. Ones that you forget are fiction because they're too wonderful, daring, terrifying, poetic and honest not to be part of the real world.

Thank you John Green.

"I believe the universe wants to be noticed. I think the universe is 

improbably biased toward consciousness, that it rewards intelligence 

in part because the universe enjoys its elegance being observed." 

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Holding our grudges.

I don't know why I haven't been able to complete any of the different drafts I have saved to this blog in the past few weeks. Sorry for the absence; I guess it's really been a challenge to get my thoughts in order. And there has been a lot to think about.

The one thing that has come up the most in this time has been grudges. They've popped up in conversations, situations and contemplations on end! Perhaps this is because of the whole "new year, new beginnings" thing and people want to begin the year without bitterness, but in saying this, I don't understand it.

I don't think we should be getting over our "grudges" just because we've suddenly decided to have a clean slate ahead of us. We have to clean that slate ourselves, not just dump its contents on the ground and expect everything to be okay.

A grudge is "a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury." People say we should let them go because there's "no point holding onto the past," but really, these past insults or injuries change the way we see the person who had caused them. We are given the chance to learn a new side to their character. By suddenly letting go of a grudge without reason, we're ignoring that part of who they are.

Now I'm not saying we should hold onto our grudges forever; I'm just saying perhaps we're better off figuring them out. Has the person changed? Or do we simply wish to imagine they have changed? There's a vast difference.

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