Psyching myself out.

Morning of my op and slightly freaking out, just a tad. Okay, a bit more than a tad. I can't even focus on writing something that will make too much sense, so apologies in advance!

It's weird because sometimes you think you're ready for something and you don't worry until it's just before it's actually about to happen, because that's when it hits you. Okay, it's not entirely like that, I must admit, I know I'm ready, and I know I'll be fine.

One of the big things that freaks me out, and I believe I mentioned it in one of my previous posts about my appendectomy (just a side note, I actually spelt that right on the first shot this time!) is that fact that I'll be asleep. Don't get me wrong, there's no way in the world I would want to get the surgery done whilst being awake, but having someone operate on your body whilst you have no control over it is so weird, and you feel just so weak. No, helpless.

Perhaps that's what I'm focusing on only because I don't want to focus on risk factors and all that. I mean, there are so many things that could happen and it might not be what they think it is and I am going to stop there because that was the whole point about not talking about it; not having to think about it!

Okay, my cue to fill in forms and leave has arrived! Eek. Must be off.

I will be fine, I will be fine, I will be fine...

Strange & awesome words #6.

Abhorrent (adjective):
Inspiring disgust and loathing.

Not only is there disgust and loathing... But it's actually inspiring? I like it. Inspiration should not only come from admiration and esteem. If something is so terrible, it should inspire you to want to change it, right?

Anything, everything.

Challenging the double standard.

Often in a relationship there is a double standard... or many! I don’t mean just in couples, but in friendships and families as well. But how long makes it too long before you can break a double standard? It seems like after a certain point once a double standard has been established, there is no turning back.

I suppose sometimes these are inevitable, say between parent and child, or boss and employee. It's somewhat expected that the parent/boss would have higher say in the relationship than the child/employee, right? And sure, that's fine. That's appropriate.

But when you're on the same level as someone - which I would assume to be most relationships in life - why must there be a double standard? It's not fair. Shouldn't we be treated as we treat others?

I would say that it'd be you, as the one with the short straw, who would realise the double standard occurring, but would the other person ever realise it if you don't say anything? Sure, we could go with the benefit-of-the-doubt option, and say that perhaps they're just oblivious to the way things are.

Or as in many cases, they're just trying to feel powerful. I mean, what says power more than being able to do something to another person which they can't do to you?

So when do you get your chance to turn it around? Do you say something and make yourself look weak? Or will telling them make you look stronger? Whatever the case, I say do it. It may feel like it's too late, but now is earlier than tomorrow. Are you really going to accept the double standard, or will you finally put your foot down and challenge it?
.

Update.

The surgery I mentioned in my last post that was supposed to happen today has been postponed because I have the flu! Ugh. Have I mentioned before how much I dislike my immune system? (Or rather, lack of.)
.

Again? Really?

Apologies for the lack of posts recently... I promise I haven't run off to Paris as my last post may have hinted! Though that would have been beaucoup plus merveilleux et amusant than the real reason I haven't had the chance to post!

I'm actually going to being going into hospital again on Wednesday! Yes, I enjoy their accommodation that much... As many of you would know, I was there about a month ago to get my appendix out (Farewell stupid appendix.) This time it's something different, nothing too serious, I'm not going to go into detail. But all will be mended on Wednesday :)

This past week has been full of stressing and freaking out about what's going on, as they didn't really know what was wrong until Friday (yes, plenty of sleepless nights.) It's really crazy how much can go on in your mind when there's nothing else to focus on.

It's easy to fall asleep watching a film or something because your mind is distracted, but as soon as you lay your head on that pillow in complete silence, BAM! All your fears, obsessions and paranoia come out to run marathons through your mind. It's absolutely the most torturous part of day.

Well I'm slightly past that at the moment I suppose, as they are 95% sure that it is what they think it is. So I'm not too crazily concerned or stressing out about it at the moment. *phew* Anyway, I promise to be back soon to fill you in on news of the surgery, or just for the random explosions of thoughts you usually find here. Peace out. :)

Je veux aller à Paris!

Enough with the facade.

I really wish I could understand those people who act all "cool" and "tough," when truly they're just putting on this facade that is completely unfathomable to anyone outside of their little "posse." And it's not just the badass wannabes, there are people who intentionally try to appear snobby or mean when they're just not naturally that way. Why would you want to?

To the true badasses, snobs and mean people out there, this is not necessarily directed at you. Although some of you may need an attitude adjustment, at least you're not lying to yourselves (or the world.)

I mean, in my last long(ish) post I questioned the whole "who are we when we're being ourselves?" thing, but I was talking about different versions of ourselves, not pretending to be someone completely different! What's the point? Because reality check: You're making fools of yourselves.

Maybe it's something that you're missing, perhaps the need to fit in. But the truth is, people will respect you for being honest, whatever that version of honest may be for you. And more people will accept you for being who you are rather than any act you put on.

Things that win my heart #10.

Awesome days like yesterday...

- You're reminded of how much of a sweetheart your boyfriend is (despite/including the fact that he hacks into your blog and FB!)
- You get to eat scrumptious, homemade choc chip waffles
- And you discover that if you Google the words "HSC stinks," your blog turns up as the first result! haha :)



This wasn't actually taken yesterday,
but it was an awesome day like yesterday :)

It's a waffly kind of day. Hey hey!

.

Annoyances.

Do you know those little annoying things in life. Like when you just miss the bus or train by a few minutes?
Or when your annoying boyfriend click on your blog link and finds it funny to write a random post about nothing.

Things that melt my heart: Amanda <3

From Anthony :D

Compromising "who we are."

We're always being told to "be yourself," but I'm beginning to wonder, who is "yourself"? Our thoughts never really match up with our actions, so does "yourself" define the person you think yourself up to be, or the person you act out physically?

Think about all those times you wished you could just say what you were thinking, or express something in you to someone in front of you; or even if you think about how many times you have hidden something from someone, held back something purposely... Which one is "yourself"? The person who controls (or sometimes lacks control of) your thoughts and keeps a tab of all your inhibitions, or the person that you present to others?

Because really, if it were the latter, how many versions of ourselves are there? If you consider the person you are around your parents, the person you are around your love, the person you are around your friends, are they really all the same acts? Or do we adjust our performance depending on our audience?

It's obvious that we have to treat various relationships differently, I mean you're not going to talk to your lecturer the same way you would to your brother; but where does the line sit in separating being a certain part of yourself or simply performing in order to survive?

Are we compromising "who we are" for "who we should be"?
.

Things that win my heart #9.

Canadian bagels! Nom nom nom. 3 words: To. Die. For. Best topping for toasted bagels by far that I have discovered - cream cheese and Nutella! Complete ingulgence, totally worth it. Trust me, amazing.

Imperfect.

Not anyone or anything can be perfect... But sometimes we have these moments which could not be less than everything we could ask for. Sometimes, someone will come along and change us. They become that part of your life which feels a little scary at first, but it grows into something beyond that; creates a feeling of being safe and vulnerable, all at the same time.

You also begin to realise that this person is not separate from who you are anymore, but rather a new part of yourself; and you won't be the same afterwards. What makes these people in our lives so perfect is that they aren't perfect, they make mistakes, they're flawed, and they love you for being just the same; human.

Perhaps that is what's perfect - imperfection. Because what's the use of being perfect when no-one in the world is? We don't need to strive for perfection, but rather, be thankful we will never reach it. It's all our quirks and flaws that have us stand out in a crowd. And who in the world would want to give that up?

Who we were.

It's weird sometimes, looking back on photos from your past. The people you're still friends with, the ones you aren't, the outfits you used to wear, the places you would go... So much changes, grows and dissolves in time; it can be hard to keep track of who we were, versus who we are.

Without the person we used to be, how much of ourselves is left? Next to nothing. Even considering all the shitty stuff. I mean, if we hadn't done the things we may regret today, or had been friends with the ones who stabbed us in the back, or fell for the ones who broke our heart, what would we have learnt?

Our experiences teach us more than a textbook could ever offer. Our photos and memories of the past remind us of the lessons for our futures. Whether we choose to remember or not, is another matter!

So what would be different if you had not made a certain choice, or taken a move, or fallen in love? Doesn't every little choice affect what will happen in the future? Don't worry, I'm not about to go all Butterfly Effect on you, but if you think about it, life is a whole connected series of events.

And don't even think of telling me it's all about "destiny" and "fate." I'm not buying it, and I'm not giving up on my free will that easily either! Every choice we make, we make for our own reasons and based on our own experiences. It's not all laid out in a path waiting for us to simply follow it.

We build our own paths, piece by piece. Sometimes we cross our own with others' - whether it is just an intersection, or an entire highway - and sometimes pieces break away. But it is in finding the strength to pave these broken parts of our paths and move on, remembering of course those people we've met on the way and the lessons that should never go astray.