Happy holidays.

Happy holidays everyone. I hope it's been splendiferous!

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Ars longa, vita brevis.

"Ars longa,
vita brevis,
occasio praeceps,
experimentum periculosum,
iudicium difficile."

– Hippokrates of Kos (460 BC - 370 BC)

"Art is long,          

life is short,          

opportunity fleeting,          

experiment perilous,          

judgment difficult."          

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Mismatched meanings.

Just like every other word in every language, "Sorry" seems to have different meanings to each person across the world. To some it may mean "I wish I hadn't done it" or "I wish you hadn't found out." Perhaps "I know you don't approve, so I'll just apologise to get off the hook." Maybe it means "I regret it and I won't do it again."

Whatever "Sorry" means to a person, the definition is created by the mix of experiences they've had in life. Were you ever forced to apologise to someone, or did you have someone say it to you and really mean it? Did someone say it a million times, once for evey time they repeated the mistake, losing the meaning of the word?

Every word has a connection with something within our lives, or will possibly have that connection in the future. What do you think of when you hear the word "dad" or "summer" or "illness"? We all have different relationships with our parents, all have had different summers throughout life, and all know illness in different ways.

So then we string together sentences expecting others to understand what our minds comprehend of them, when all these words will never mean the same to another person. I wonder if anyone ever completely understands anyone else.

And I wonder if anyone else thinks "Sorry" means that the person regrets their actions and doesn't want to do it again. Saying it without meaning can be worse and even more hurtful than not saying it at all. Don't apologise if you know you're going to do it again. Don't apologise if it's just because you think it's what the other person wants you to do. Don't apologise if you don't understand. And don't ever apologise if you're not sorry.

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Across the world.

I'm trying to figure out how (and I'm really not sure) I forgot about the posting challenge I took on aaages ago. Compilation of challenge posts available here and will be updated. Can you believe I started in August LAST YEAR?! Oops.

Well, today it continues...

Challenge Post 07- Something you miss

My Canadian family.

Photo by Blink and You'll Miss It

I'm not sure if I'm able to write too much on this topic without getting myself upset, but to try and make you understand how I feel about them, try thinking of someone you love greatly, and then send them across the world, and then multiply this one person by so many. Minus the growing up together, and just dropping past their place whenever, or celebrating all our birthdays and Christmas together every year.

But do add late night board games and junk food, and add getting to know each other despite the distance. Then add the occasions we did get to spend together, and the snowmen we built. Add whispered conversations that went much too late into the night, and add all the experiences we shared in the past and will share in the future; moments we won't forget. Then glue it all together with great memories and love.

I really can't wait to see you all again. ♥

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16 things.

16 things I learnt in the past 16 days, in which I had been MIA here at Passionately Curious:

1. Turns out chocolate isn't always good for you. (Who would have thought?)
2. Dropping your phone down a flight of stairs... also not good.
3. Dropping your guard, however, can be good.
4. Some men do like The Notebook, despite their denial.
5. No matter how many times you go in, operations and surgeries never get easier.
6. I should be thankful for what I have; there are people complaining less, even with more to deal with.
7. Deformed belly buttons are not the end of the world.
8. There are many things wrong with me, but there are many things wrong with all of us.
9. Don't have pain killers without food. Nothing good will come from this.
10. Fears and inhibitions are only avoidable in a conscious state of mind.
11. Beavers' teeth never stop growing.
12. You can tell a great book from the first page.
13. Atonement is not always obtainable; we must let some things go.
14. I am 19, not 18. (I should probably start getting used to that at some point.)
15. Not speaking is sometimes as important as speaking.
16. If you're questioning whether something is right or wrong, the questioning is your answer.

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What is going on?!

I have no idea.

I wish things would start making sense.

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Losing control.

        "Right then, with the realisation that no one knew the truth about my life, my thoughts about the world were shaken.
        Like driving along a bumpy road and losing control of the steering wheel, tossing you – just a tad – off the road. The wheels kick up some dirt, but you're able to pull it back. Yet no matter how tightly you grip the wheel, no matter how hard you try to drive straight, something keeps jerking you to the side. You have so little control over anything anymore."

– Jay Asher, Th1rteen R3asons Why 
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The unexpected.

Why do people get upset with the weather when it changes so dramatically? There's nothing else in your day you can expect to happen which is completely guaranteed, why should the weather be an exception? Seriously, don't expect anything.

Don't expect the meteorologists to always get it right.
Don't expect karma to solve everything for you.
Don't expect to always be healthy.
Don't expect them to give up on you.
Don't expect death.
Don't expect success.
Don't expect your dreams to just achieve themselves.
Don't expect destiny to find your soul mate for you.
Don't expect me to get any taller.
Don't expect people to be nice to you.
Don't expect them not to change.
Don't expect justice.
Don't expect ever getting things handed to you.
Don't expect the clouds to rain.
Don't expect your enemies' pain.
And most importantly, don't expect happiness.

You can't expect any of these things, you can't expect anything but expecting you'll have to work to get them and even that you can't always expect. You can't rely on everything working out in the end, you have to rely on yourself and you have to rely on the unexpected.

And those things that are out of your control, well, you may not have the ability to fix them, but you definitely have the ability to fix your attitude towards them. Just, don't worry, be happy.

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On a mote of dust.

"Look again at that dot. That's here, that's home, that's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every 'superstar,' every 'supreme leader,' every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam."

- Carl Sagan, 1934 - 1996  

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You are these things, embrace it.

Okay, so what is the big deal with actually liking yourself? People get so caught up thinking that they're going to be scrutinised for thinking they’re beautiful or funny or downright amazing, that they start to forget it.

Why is it that we have to convince people that we think we're not all these things when we are? Why do we seem uptight and vein if we do? I think I actually like people more when they have the self-respect and self-pride to acknowledge that they like who they are.

Seriously, love who you are, admit it, and forget what everyone else thinks.

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Books. The printed kind.

This is seriously one of my most anticipated plans for the summer break...


Read.Read.Read.Read.Read.Read.Read.Read.

I wrote up a list of all the books I plan on reading once I'm on break. Uni makes me feel so guilty for reading things that have nothing to do with any of my subjects. I suppose I could probably use my Creative Writing subject as an excuse, but I would know, so still major GUILT.

I just took a look at the aforementioned list and there are 21 novels, 1 suite of poems and 2 collections of short stories listed. Four months seems sufficient. Which of course includes some John Green (including a SIGNED COPY of his upcoming novel that will be here in Jan) and yes Anthony, the Robert Cormier novel you leant me ages ago is on there also!

On the subject of books, I'm beginning to wonder if the way I read books is in some way "weird." Because a lot of people - including Anthony who instructs me not to open the pages too wide in case it creates the tiniest crease on the spine of his books! - like to keep their books in the most pristine condition. Why?! Are you planning to keep them as an investment?

Okay, fair enough if you are, but seriously, most books aren't going to become an investment. They end up placed on your bookshelf to be re-encountered, in months or even years. When you go back to pick them up in the future, don't you want there to be notes on the side with your thoughts at the time and folded corners for the pages that intrigued you back then?

Books, for me, hold memories. When I go back to them, whether to read them again or just to flick through, I can find the pieces that I loved, quotes that made an impact on me, thoughts that I expressed in margins, and sometimes these things can remind me of where I was when I had been reading it, what was occurring in my life and the way I was feeling. Maybe that's just me.

Which is also why Koodles or Noodles or whatever they're called (I just looked it up and they're called Kindles... Koodles? Really, Amanda?) confuse me. But I really shouldn't even get into that. Just, PDF files for books?! No, I'm... I'm just going to stop myself there.


PS. To those who keep their books in pristine condition and to those who read in PDF form, I in no way intended to offend you. Although I don't totally understand it, I still respect it. And at least there is still reading going on, however you choose to do it :)

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Responsibilities and impossibilities.

Wow, not a post to be seen this entire month... and my favourite month at that. Why, you may ask, is this my favourite month? I get a birthday every time it comes around. And only technically do I get older. Some may argue I'm still only 9 though I just turned 19 some days ago.

It's strange, as I was only just getting used to being 18 and BAM! Here's another to add to the count, Amanda. It's strange what it is that actually makes you feel older. Feeling like an adult only began a couple of months ago when I received my first debit card, my own Medicare card and did other adult-y things that finally made me realise that perhaps I might have some mature responsibilities.

So really, can our age be defined by the number we fill in on forms? Or do our attitudes and actions define it in our own way? In saying this, my age switches by day, sometimes by the minute even. One moment I could be making a tax return lodgement, the next, reading Dr Seuss with a bowl of rainbow ice-cream.

As cliché as it's going to sound, age is just a number. Which reminds me of a very wise thirteen-year-old I was talking to recently, who spoke of such concepts and theories that would convince you she had many more years of life experience. It can be quite amazing how young people can talk with such passion and eloquence that blows you away.

She even asked me if I thought it would be possible to bend a spoon with your mind. At first I thought it was a bit of a crazy idea, but as she continued, she reminded me that there are so many things that can be achieved with your mind and so many crazy things that are possible, why should bending a spoon with one’s mind be impossible? Everyone around her thought the idea wasn’t idealistic, and this made me think, why should you bring this idea down? She was right, why should it be impossible?

The way I think about it is that although perhaps we can’t use our mind to bend a spoon physically in reality, our minds can create worlds in which we can do anything and everything we could imagine. Who's to say those worlds we create aren't as real as the one we live in? Only difference is that we can make the rules for those worlds. Those created worlds are where you can bend the spoon with your mind.

When adults tell kids there are such things as this or that, they don’t really believe it. They make it up to spur on a child’s imagination. And not that this is wrong, but in their minds, these things are actually real, in the worlds they have created.

“I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?” – John Lennon.

Perhaps some adults simply lose faith. Children and teens have it all figured out, because despite what some of us can go through, we still have the power to believe that there is more, and we haven't been disappointed perhaps as much as adults have. And I apologise for generalising, adults out there, but how many of you believe in magic or luck or doing an entire assignment in one night? Not many that I know.

I hope that no matter how old I grow to be or what I experience, I can still have some kind of faith that we are more powerful than others may have us think and there is more out there than we could imagine.

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That condition.

“Love is that condition in which the happiness
of another person is essential to your own.”

– R. A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

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Things that win my heart #11.

Those silly little random heart-warming things that cheer you up when you're down, or just calm you down when you're freaking out! Sara Bareilles is among these things for me...

Also in this category -

Anthony, my girls, Merci chocolates, red nail

polish, the All-American Rejects and reading John Green novels.

What would I do without them?

                             Freak out a lot more, that's what!

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There are ways of saying things.

I've said in the past that I don't care what people think of me, but truly, "people" isn't everyone. When it comes to the ones I care about, it means a lot.

When a stranger makes a rude comment we think, "You don't know me" and brush it off soon enough. But their compliments hold on, making us feel that even strangers appreciate us. With those we love, the compliments hold for a while, sometimes even being taken for granted. Any slight resemblance of criticism, however, can stick with us perpetually. It's funny (or rather, quite shitty) in this case how the mean things always stick with us more than the kind things we're offered.

The people who know us through and through are the ones whose comments are the seemingly most honest ones. We then fear that if that's what they think of us, is it really who I am?

I'm not saying that it is, but close friends' interpretations of you become reflections of how you exhibit yourself. Unless of course, they're genuinely rude and are saying it to be mean. In which case, you should probably rethink the legitimacy of your friendship.

Of course, you cannot change the way people are going to interpret you, but you have the choice as to what you're offering them to interpret. So all in all, as my argument has always ended on this topic, be yourself. From the words of Dr Seuss:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Another thing to think about is how the things you might say may affect someone else. Others may know they're wonderful, but you should always remind them of how much they mean to you. And on the other hand, think about the critical stuff before it leaves your lips. Honesty should always come first, but there are ways of saying things.

Remember, you can have a stronger effect on people than you realise.

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It does exist.

When people say "life is short" do they realise that living is the thing they'll do for the longest? We each live within in our own forevers. A lot of people seem to forget that when they grow older, the word reminding them of fairy tales that let reality down. But really, we define the word and write our own tales.

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The gift of fear.

I've come to realise that every stupid thing I've ever done in my life occurred because I completely ignored my instincts. Okay, not completely ignored; I did in fact consider them, but I definitely did not listen to them at all. And I am fortunate that all these things were simple, which only got me a detention or something of similar penalty, and nothing life-threateningly dangerous.

I don't think people consider deeply enough the "I have a bad feeling about this" feeling. Did you know that humans are the ONLY  living creature that will sense danger and walk right into it? I'm paraphrasing expert Gavin de Becker here and it's so scarily true.

Consider any time in your life where something did not feel right, did you hesitate to listen to your instincts because you were afraid what someone else may think? Last week I changed train carriages because a man smiled at me and it literally scared me. I thought twice about offending him, but my intuition told me to remove myself from the situation.

Also, if you fear there is something wrong with your health, you have to figure it out. Like after the ops I've had this year I felt silly going to see the doctor about a new issue as I thought he may think I'm just turning into a hypochondriac. But fear cannot be ignored.

Fear is a gift, and we don't know where it comes from or how it's produced within us, but we have to listen to it as it can literally save our lives. I'm not talking about paranoia; paranoia takes it that step further, it's almost obsessive, if you like. But it's much more important to be safe and offend or hurt someone's feelings or feel a little silly, than to be sorry and harmed. We act upon all other emotions - happiness, anger, melancholy - so why not fear? Why do we push it aside sometimes?

If you'd like to read additional and probably more helpful information on this, this post was half inspired by personal experience, and half inspired by an Oprah interview with Gavin de Becker I watched a few years back, so you check that out. There are some chilling stories that really have you thinking twice about your intuition and "the gift of fear" (which is also the name of de Becker's book.)

I urge you all to consider your intuition and fear if you find yourself in any kind of situation that just does not feel quite right. You're all so wonderful; I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you!

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Splitscreen.

Splitscreen: A love story. Directed by J.W. Griffiths

Awesome technique. Cute story. Made me smile. Had to share.

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Without time.

It occurred to me today how freeing it would be without time. I obviously realise it would not work in a realistic world, but idealistically, how amazing would it be?

We're brought up to think about everything within the constraints of time, but what if there were no minutes, hours, days, months, years? We'd just be living, not worrying about deadlines, the beginning of the week or getting older. We would take the world as it comes and not confine ourselves to the concern of time.

It would actually be like when we were young, before we were taught what the little hand and big hand did. The sun would rise and set and our lives played out between and beyond that. As soon as time is introduced, so too is routine and the need to make time happy.

Time as an indicator doesn't seem so bad, but it's the subconscious recognition of something alongside this indication that holds us.

Now, I'm not trying to say that time is this big, evil monster... I just mean that not having to worry about time seems like such a blissful idea, like basing age on how you feel and not the number of years since your birth.

Of course we need time, or the world may just be chaos, but I guess that's why holidays are particularly splendid; we get a break from having to check our watches and schedules. We sleep until our body wakes us, and live like when we were too young to care about time.

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Springtime.

In Springtime, the only pretty ringtime.
      The birds sing, hey ding... a dinga dinga ding.
                                           Sweet lovers love, the Spring!

– Willy Wonka        

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Strange & awesome words #7.

Lubberwort (noun):
Food or drink of no nutritional value, "that makes one idle and stupid." A mythical herb that produces laziness (1540s).

I am so using this from now on instead of "junk food."

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Cue focus.

The way I feel about working on my assignment right now –

Every time, every assignment, my mind will jump to something completely irrelevant and starkly different in entertainment or engagement value. In other words, almost anything is more exciting than assignments. The only way I get stuff done is being under the pressure of not wanting to actually fail!

See? Look what I’m doing now – instead of working on it, I’m writing about not working on it! That's it. I’m just going to read my research. Separate myself from distractions and read… this whole thing… right now. Okay, cue focus.

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Weak sometimes.

There is no-one in this world who makes me more upset than I do. I'm realising how weak and cowardly I can be, and I'm not sure I'm okay with that.

I feel like I have this mask that I'm supposed to wear in front of people, reassuring them that I'm strong and can handle anything. And although I do have strength and have been able to take on a lot, there's a fragile inner layer that I don't allow myself reveal very often. Instead I keep it inside me, only allowing it to shatter when no-one sees; or otherwise when I can't take anymore and find myself breaking down in front of a bus load of strangers.

Sometimes I don't have the courage to fully say what I mean, and this makes me say things that I don't mean. And then people misunderstand and I become misunderstood, feelings are hurt and I could have fixed it, but I didn't.

It's the same cycle: I walk away, call, hang up, call back, but remain unchanged, hang up again, and I'm upset. Not with the other person for not understanding, but with myself for the cowardice in not saying what I should have. I believe in bravery, but my written words come easier than the spoken ones. For a girl with a mind full of words, not enough of them are uttered.

The thing is I try, and you can't ask anything more from me because I want to be better; I'm just not there yet. I make myself feel guilty over it as well, when really I shouldn't. I've pushed myself so far over the past year and a half to be freer. I'm sorry to anyone who thinks that I hold back - I do. And I'm sorry if I've made you feel bad over it in any way. It's entirely my own fault.

Is it so bad to hold back sometimes though? Must our hearts remain on our sleeves all the time? Of course there are some people who we can open up to, revealing things that you wouldn't to anyone else, "Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” (James Arthur Baldwin) But sometimes there's a limit that you try to break past and just can't.

In time this can change, but also in time the things that seemed to have such relevance fade into the background. Having those people in your life that you can take your mask off in front of is what will set you free... Hopefully in time I will find a way to do that wholly and completely. I just need time. I'm trying.

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Don't worry, be happy.

How hard is it to be a nice person, really? Being nice comes from being happy and being happy comes naturally... If being angry is what feels natural, it may just be a matter of changing your attitude.

I really don't understand the origin of some people's rudeness and brutality. To an extent, it's your choice as to whether or not you want to be in a happy, sad, angry, whatever mood. The key to it all: finding the silver lining.

Yes, other people can be mean. Yes, bad things happen. Yes, when it rains it sometimes storms. But what's the point in letting it get to you? There is no point! Do you see my point?

No matter what you're going through in your day, there is always something to smile about (as cheesy as that sounds) - you've got your health, a roof over your head, food in your cupboard, someone to love... You always have something, anything. Often, there are people in far worse situations than you, who don't complain. Why? Because they find a way to be happy, and it’s really not hard.

As I said, it's about attitude. If you're going to always look at the negative things in life, you’re going to have crappy days throughout it. It's simple mathematics:

Good attitude = Good day

Shitty attitude = Shitty day

Remember the good stuff, eliminate and forget the rest, and move on. The minutes go by whether you enjoy them or not; and don't you think you're better off enjoying them? It's your choice.

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Brave.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear.

The brave may not live forever,

but the cautious do not live at all.

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Invisible.

Compassion and pity.

So to answer your question, no, I did not disappear off the face of the earth :) Sometimes life just presents us with challenges that get in the way of things, including in this instance, blogging! Eek. 3 weeks. Sorry.

You're not going to believe me when I say this, but I was actually in hospital again last week for - you guessed it - another operation! I'm doing okay now, it was nothing serious and there's no need to worry, but "third time's a charm" right? Well I don't really know what that saying is actually intended to mean, but I'm going to go with, three ops in one year is plenty! I think I've met my quota :)

It's weird when you're sick, you come to realise a lot more clearly who your friends are, and the separation between them and those who pretend to care just because they feel sorry for you. That may sound a little harsh, but compassion and pity are two very different things.

Pity is the void filler, and the thing is, pity is usually asked for by the pitied. Unless there is something in you that makes you feel the need to be felt sorry for, it's an uncomfortable feeling to be pitied. It's as if you're not good enough, or rather, not strong enough to push past your obstacle. And in truth, everyone has the strength to push through.

Pity is momentary, whereas compassion will stick with you through challenges. In times when we need our friends and family the most, compassion reminds us that we're not alone. To paraphrase The Beatles, we get by with a little help from our friends.
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My life.

Sometimes
              late at night,
                            it just hits me...

                                                        This is my life
                                                                      and I can do whatever I want.
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Inevitable or intentional?

Is it ever really possible to be completely honest with a person, even yourself? Sometimes denial and ignorance is so much easier than honesty, and sometimes it's simply because a heightened version of the truth seems more interesting.

Nonetheless, no matter how hard you try, I don't think it's ever possible to reveal to another person who you honestly are. Why? Because we are all much too complex. We have difficulty comprehending for ourselves who we are exactly, how can you expect someone else to understand it?

They would have to live all your years in your body and mind to even begin to get it. In the real world, the impossibility of this concept offers us the opportunity to somewhat deceive others' perceptions of us - hiding some parts and exaggerating others, and this is the dishonesty in my eyes. And let's face it, lying is inevitable.

Before you start getting all defensive, "lying" isn't always the big, scary, mean word we all jump to conclusions with when we hear it. It can be as simple as not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, or exaggerating what you got up to on the weekend. Now, I am not exactly condoning the use of lies, I am simply pointing out the fact that everyone is guilty of it, in one way or another.

So where stands the line between truth and fiction? "Not being honest" and "lying" are two similar, yet very different things. As I began this post with, I don't think it is ever possible to be completely honest with anyone, sometimes yourself included. But lying is the intentional deceit we impose on others; our own way of shaping the way they understand us.

Simple lies can save us, but others push us into even lying to ourselves. And no matter how much people can't comprehend the complexities of what makes you who you are, it is ever worth losing yourself?
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Oops, sorry.

I know! Don't be mad! It's been a week since a decent post, but lots was happening this past week. Totally excusable reasons, I can assure you :) This is just a note to let you all know that I will be posting something half decent soon... I intend to, anyhow. And again, sorry for practically a week of silence.

One of the internships I'm working at the moment though has me writing for them, and you can check out my first article here if you like. Particularly if you are in your final year of high school, or trying to choose a course to pursue next year.

Enjoy, and I'll be back soon! I pinky swear.
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Unplanned plans.

New things, old lights.

People talk so much about looking at old things in new lights, but what if you were to do the exact opposite; look at new things in old lights?

Of course it's interesting to consider past events after feelings have changed, but tuning into old emotions and experiencing new things through this old lens is extremely refreshing. Reading through my old journal makes me realise just how much I've changed over the years, and the way my mind used to work.

As time goes by, we mature, relationships grow, people drift away, fears and passions change... And when you channel those old emotions and your old personality, and place them into a current situation that you would have treated differently back then, it's as if your old self is experiencing something completely new, and not something they should be accustomed to.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense. Imagine placing the person you are now, personality, emotions and everything into the future, into something you haven't experienced before. Refreshing your memory of what you thought in the past, whether it be through a journal, an old photo or even a piece of clothing you don't wear anymore, will make you realise just how much you can gain from your old self.

If you think about the person you were just before you started dating someone and bring those thoughts into your relationship now, it's so strange and refreshing to consider all those crush-induced nerves and the desire to impress them. Especially strange in comparison to the way you act around them now, and how much different your relationship with them.

Or if you think about how you were feeling at your job interview, versus how you feel about your job now. You could love it more than you had thought, or even hate it and wonder why you thought you were going to love it.

I don't know; you know. And you should give it a go. New things in old lights. It's a weird concept, sure. But what kind of "normal" concept ever changed anything?
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Farewell, stupid tumour.

Well, I'm fine :)

The operation went smoothly and I've just been recovering these past couple of days. It seems like it was so long ago, but really it has only been 2 days. I guess there's been so much progress recovery wise, that it feels like it's been longer than that. And if you factor in the boredom of not being able to do much, then there you are! It feels like a week.

It's been easier than when I had my appendix out (Farewell, stupid appendix) - thank gosh! I am actually able to walk around somewhat easily. My right arm doesn't like to co-operate too much though, but I'm surviving. Also, it was only a one day thing, so I didn't have to stay overnight and eat horrid hospital food more than once...

Mmmm... Yum!

You'd think that they'd feed you something nutritiously beneficial, but no. The scary thing is I was too hungry not to eat. Except the meat, oh my. I'm not entirely confident that you could classify that as meat.

Oh well, I'm back to eating what I want and almost doing the things that I could before. Each day it gets easier of course. I'm just glad it's all over and I'll be fully recovered soon!
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Psyching myself out.

Morning of my op and slightly freaking out, just a tad. Okay, a bit more than a tad. I can't even focus on writing something that will make too much sense, so apologies in advance!

It's weird because sometimes you think you're ready for something and you don't worry until it's just before it's actually about to happen, because that's when it hits you. Okay, it's not entirely like that, I must admit, I know I'm ready, and I know I'll be fine.

One of the big things that freaks me out, and I believe I mentioned it in one of my previous posts about my appendectomy (just a side note, I actually spelt that right on the first shot this time!) is that fact that I'll be asleep. Don't get me wrong, there's no way in the world I would want to get the surgery done whilst being awake, but having someone operate on your body whilst you have no control over it is so weird, and you feel just so weak. No, helpless.

Perhaps that's what I'm focusing on only because I don't want to focus on risk factors and all that. I mean, there are so many things that could happen and it might not be what they think it is and I am going to stop there because that was the whole point about not talking about it; not having to think about it!

Okay, my cue to fill in forms and leave has arrived! Eek. Must be off.

I will be fine, I will be fine, I will be fine...

Strange & awesome words #6.

Abhorrent (adjective):
Inspiring disgust and loathing.

Not only is there disgust and loathing... But it's actually inspiring? I like it. Inspiration should not only come from admiration and esteem. If something is so terrible, it should inspire you to want to change it, right?

Anything, everything.

Challenging the double standard.

Often in a relationship there is a double standard... or many! I don’t mean just in couples, but in friendships and families as well. But how long makes it too long before you can break a double standard? It seems like after a certain point once a double standard has been established, there is no turning back.

I suppose sometimes these are inevitable, say between parent and child, or boss and employee. It's somewhat expected that the parent/boss would have higher say in the relationship than the child/employee, right? And sure, that's fine. That's appropriate.

But when you're on the same level as someone - which I would assume to be most relationships in life - why must there be a double standard? It's not fair. Shouldn't we be treated as we treat others?

I would say that it'd be you, as the one with the short straw, who would realise the double standard occurring, but would the other person ever realise it if you don't say anything? Sure, we could go with the benefit-of-the-doubt option, and say that perhaps they're just oblivious to the way things are.

Or as in many cases, they're just trying to feel powerful. I mean, what says power more than being able to do something to another person which they can't do to you?

So when do you get your chance to turn it around? Do you say something and make yourself look weak? Or will telling them make you look stronger? Whatever the case, I say do it. It may feel like it's too late, but now is earlier than tomorrow. Are you really going to accept the double standard, or will you finally put your foot down and challenge it?
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Update.

The surgery I mentioned in my last post that was supposed to happen today has been postponed because I have the flu! Ugh. Have I mentioned before how much I dislike my immune system? (Or rather, lack of.)
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Again? Really?

Apologies for the lack of posts recently... I promise I haven't run off to Paris as my last post may have hinted! Though that would have been beaucoup plus merveilleux et amusant than the real reason I haven't had the chance to post!

I'm actually going to being going into hospital again on Wednesday! Yes, I enjoy their accommodation that much... As many of you would know, I was there about a month ago to get my appendix out (Farewell stupid appendix.) This time it's something different, nothing too serious, I'm not going to go into detail. But all will be mended on Wednesday :)

This past week has been full of stressing and freaking out about what's going on, as they didn't really know what was wrong until Friday (yes, plenty of sleepless nights.) It's really crazy how much can go on in your mind when there's nothing else to focus on.

It's easy to fall asleep watching a film or something because your mind is distracted, but as soon as you lay your head on that pillow in complete silence, BAM! All your fears, obsessions and paranoia come out to run marathons through your mind. It's absolutely the most torturous part of day.

Well I'm slightly past that at the moment I suppose, as they are 95% sure that it is what they think it is. So I'm not too crazily concerned or stressing out about it at the moment. *phew* Anyway, I promise to be back soon to fill you in on news of the surgery, or just for the random explosions of thoughts you usually find here. Peace out. :)

Je veux aller à Paris!

Enough with the facade.

I really wish I could understand those people who act all "cool" and "tough," when truly they're just putting on this facade that is completely unfathomable to anyone outside of their little "posse." And it's not just the badass wannabes, there are people who intentionally try to appear snobby or mean when they're just not naturally that way. Why would you want to?

To the true badasses, snobs and mean people out there, this is not necessarily directed at you. Although some of you may need an attitude adjustment, at least you're not lying to yourselves (or the world.)

I mean, in my last long(ish) post I questioned the whole "who are we when we're being ourselves?" thing, but I was talking about different versions of ourselves, not pretending to be someone completely different! What's the point? Because reality check: You're making fools of yourselves.

Maybe it's something that you're missing, perhaps the need to fit in. But the truth is, people will respect you for being honest, whatever that version of honest may be for you. And more people will accept you for being who you are rather than any act you put on.

Things that win my heart #10.

Awesome days like yesterday...

- You're reminded of how much of a sweetheart your boyfriend is (despite/including the fact that he hacks into your blog and FB!)
- You get to eat scrumptious, homemade choc chip waffles
- And you discover that if you Google the words "HSC stinks," your blog turns up as the first result! haha :)



This wasn't actually taken yesterday,
but it was an awesome day like yesterday :)

It's a waffly kind of day. Hey hey!

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Annoyances.

Do you know those little annoying things in life. Like when you just miss the bus or train by a few minutes?
Or when your annoying boyfriend click on your blog link and finds it funny to write a random post about nothing.

Things that melt my heart: Amanda <3

From Anthony :D

Compromising "who we are."

We're always being told to "be yourself," but I'm beginning to wonder, who is "yourself"? Our thoughts never really match up with our actions, so does "yourself" define the person you think yourself up to be, or the person you act out physically?

Think about all those times you wished you could just say what you were thinking, or express something in you to someone in front of you; or even if you think about how many times you have hidden something from someone, held back something purposely... Which one is "yourself"? The person who controls (or sometimes lacks control of) your thoughts and keeps a tab of all your inhibitions, or the person that you present to others?

Because really, if it were the latter, how many versions of ourselves are there? If you consider the person you are around your parents, the person you are around your love, the person you are around your friends, are they really all the same acts? Or do we adjust our performance depending on our audience?

It's obvious that we have to treat various relationships differently, I mean you're not going to talk to your lecturer the same way you would to your brother; but where does the line sit in separating being a certain part of yourself or simply performing in order to survive?

Are we compromising "who we are" for "who we should be"?
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Things that win my heart #9.

Canadian bagels! Nom nom nom. 3 words: To. Die. For. Best topping for toasted bagels by far that I have discovered - cream cheese and Nutella! Complete ingulgence, totally worth it. Trust me, amazing.

Imperfect.

Not anyone or anything can be perfect... But sometimes we have these moments which could not be less than everything we could ask for. Sometimes, someone will come along and change us. They become that part of your life which feels a little scary at first, but it grows into something beyond that; creates a feeling of being safe and vulnerable, all at the same time.

You also begin to realise that this person is not separate from who you are anymore, but rather a new part of yourself; and you won't be the same afterwards. What makes these people in our lives so perfect is that they aren't perfect, they make mistakes, they're flawed, and they love you for being just the same; human.

Perhaps that is what's perfect - imperfection. Because what's the use of being perfect when no-one in the world is? We don't need to strive for perfection, but rather, be thankful we will never reach it. It's all our quirks and flaws that have us stand out in a crowd. And who in the world would want to give that up?

Who we were.

It's weird sometimes, looking back on photos from your past. The people you're still friends with, the ones you aren't, the outfits you used to wear, the places you would go... So much changes, grows and dissolves in time; it can be hard to keep track of who we were, versus who we are.

Without the person we used to be, how much of ourselves is left? Next to nothing. Even considering all the shitty stuff. I mean, if we hadn't done the things we may regret today, or had been friends with the ones who stabbed us in the back, or fell for the ones who broke our heart, what would we have learnt?

Our experiences teach us more than a textbook could ever offer. Our photos and memories of the past remind us of the lessons for our futures. Whether we choose to remember or not, is another matter!

So what would be different if you had not made a certain choice, or taken a move, or fallen in love? Doesn't every little choice affect what will happen in the future? Don't worry, I'm not about to go all Butterfly Effect on you, but if you think about it, life is a whole connected series of events.

And don't even think of telling me it's all about "destiny" and "fate." I'm not buying it, and I'm not giving up on my free will that easily either! Every choice we make, we make for our own reasons and based on our own experiences. It's not all laid out in a path waiting for us to simply follow it.

We build our own paths, piece by piece. Sometimes we cross our own with others' - whether it is just an intersection, or an entire highway - and sometimes pieces break away. But it is in finding the strength to pave these broken parts of our paths and move on, remembering of course those people we've met on the way and the lessons that should never go astray.

Things that win my heart #8.

Handwritten letters. In fact, this will probably win the heart of any girl. Haha :) Forget emails, Facebook and texting. Old school letters just have that genuine feel about them.

Romeo, Romeo.

I was thinking about Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet last night, and I realised something.

For any of you who haven't read it or seen any film interpretation, yes you're right, it's about two teens who are so madly in love that when one dies, the other feels they must follow. Okay, so we all know that before actually reading or seeing it, but after actually reading it (about 4 years ago) I realised how much of absolute idiots they both were.

Hear me out, hear me out. This is what my big realisation was based on. You see, they were both indeed idiots for the hastiness of their actions and blindness to reason, but what I realised last night was that it was not their fault. I, in fact, had been hasty to judge them and was blind to thinking about their past.

I mean, look at their parents! They're in a complete, full throttle war over who is more powerful and mighty. The prologue tells us, "From forth the fatal loins of these two foes, a pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life." But until now it didn't cross my mind to blame their parents. And I don't mean that in the sense of them dying, as of course without the secrecy from the parents, there would have been no need; but in the sense that that they've been brought up with such intense parents who make choices based on such heightened emotions.

Who can blame them for not knowing any better? At least Romeo and Juliet were able to focus this intensity on feelings of love and passion. So thus, we can doubly blame the parents! Well... okay, to some extent. I mean, how long can we blame parents for the way their children behave?

We are brought up in homes which are based on different ideals, beliefs and ways of life, but as we grow up society gives us all a chance to interpret the world on our own. And mixing these two things - nature and nurture - is what makes us us. So in saying that, I suppose the fault of the lovers' demise is both their parents' and their own!

We'll go.

Where even angels fear to fly... Beyond the clouds, you and I.

What's in a promise?

It's beginning to occur to me that a lot of people don't know the meaning of the word "promise." And even the ones who do don't uphold its righteous credibility.

From even the smallest of pinky promises to lifetime commitments, so many cannot be kept! So what, may I ask you, is the point of making a promise in the first place? Is it to assure someone that we can be trusted to do something, or to convince ourselves of it?

Now don't get me wrong, a lot promises are kept, but people change, and so do feelings... So why pretend that we can tell the future and know who we'll be when tested to the limit of a promise? Shouldn't we just let life play out, allowing ourselves, our feelings and our ability to trust someone to grow and change without the need to predict it?

If you're going to make a promise, at least have the decency to show power in not breaking it, despite changes in life. (Unless you're breaking one to help someone in danger of course!)

Perhaps we want to believe our own good intentions, as well as others', and allow ourselves to be swept away by the ideal behind every promise. Even after learning that we all inevitably break them sometimes, we continue to believe... Because, I suppose, what is life without hope?

Life = Risk.

I thought this was a great vid, I just had to share. :)

Finding the strength.

Well, you can't blame me for not posting for a week... almost. I mean, I probably could have yesterday, but I got a little carried away with online shopping. Yes, I know, that seriously contradicts my tirade in the post last month about online shopping, but what can I say? Some mistakes are inevitably repeated. (i.e. shopping. LOL)

In reference to my last post, I arrived home from hospital on Saturday. It's awesome to be back home, but man recovery is a pain in the... well, everywhere. At least at home there's a bit more privacy. You know, it's kind of ironic going to a private hospital, when being at a hospital is the least private thing ever. And once you're under general anaesthetic, bam! Control gone, and you're in the hands of doctors, surgeons, specialists... I know they're professionals, but they're opening you up and doing things to your body while you're far away dreaming! Totally creepy if you ask me.

Oh, and you know how I was hoping it would be my appendix? Well it turned out it was that plus two other things all in the same area! I won't go into detail, but I am all good for now :)

It's weird recovering from surgery; although you go in to be "fixed," for a while you lose the ability to function as you did before the surgery. I'm only talking from my own experience, but I'm sure a lot of cases are similar. For example, I couldn't even feed myself, eat solids, breathe too deeply, speak too loudly, walk fast enough to beat a turtle in a race, or even laugh without exerting myself!

I am happy to report however, that I can now do all of the above without too much strife! :) Of course there's still pain here and there, and I have to be off uni for a couple more weeks (so frustrating!) but I will be A-Okay.

Sometimes strength is hard to find, but creating strength to overcome it allows us to not only push through the challenge, but to grow from it.

Farewell, stupid appendix.

They're starving me again! Okay, that seems totally over dramatic, but I'm getting laparoscopic surgery done tomorrow to remove my appendix and I have to fast. Sure, it's fine if it's only going to be the 9 and a half hours before surgery, but they better let me eat afterwards! I don't want a repeat of the Easter long weekend... 2 days without food!

This may sound a bit weird, but I'm actually really hoping that it is my appendix which has been causing all these issues, because they're actually prepared for that. I'm sure they'll know how to deal with anything else that may be the issue, but I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I'm actually prepared for that.

There are so many other possibilities, as they're not 100% sure it is appendicitis, so what if it's something more serious? Okay, let's not think about that.

I looked up the procedure today on the net... (More info here if anyone else is curious.) I probably shouldn't have. Haha. Thing is, I was fine when the doctor talked to me about it, but since I've told people what's going on, I keep getting asked if I'm worried. And being asked has actually caused me to start worrying.

The info on that site is way too confronting for someone who was trying to be naive about the whole thing. I'm the kind of person who knows she doesn't want to know, but is too curious not to find out, then once she does wishes she hadn't.

Oh, I just realised how late it's gotten! I have to be up early tomorrow, so apologies if this post seems a bit inconclusive, but I must be off! Wish me luck for tomorrow...
Goodnight all :)

On we go.