Another been and gone.

HAPPY SILLY SEASON :) I hope you all enjoyed your Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever day it is you celebrate this time of year!

It seems so strange that another one has passed so soon. All those weeks of build up... Christmas carols playing everywhere, photos with Santa, shaking gifts as a way of attempting to somehow interpret their contents from the way they knock against the side of the box. All of it. Over. Poof. Just like that.

And somewhat mirroring just how fast another year has gone by. To be fair, I was caught up in HSC and as much as I wanted it to speed by, it did and it's gone. But it occured to me that every year there is something; something that pushes the time to turn faster and memories to zoom past us. Have we got time to slow down and really enjoy time? Or will we always get caught in something?

2011 is fast approaching. Take time to just lie on the grass, or swim in the ocean, or just sleep without any stress of Tomorrow. What ever memories you plan to create in 2011, make them worth it. Each day's only given once. Grasp that shit. :)

Life is art.

"I think everything in life is art. What you do. How you dress. The way you love someone, and how you talk. Your smile and personality. What you believe in, and all your dreams. They way you drink your tea. How you decorate your home. Or party. Your grocery list. The food you make. How your writing looks. And the way you feel. Life is art."

I'm not sure where that quote is from... but it's true. Although this is going to sound so cliché, life is art and we are the artists.

Distance.

I love airports! Everything about them excite me... the duty-free shopping, the very agent-like fingerprint swiping, the X-ray machines, lots of people, those awesome trolley things that carry your bags, the cafes, and of course the travelling!

There is also something emotional always attached to airports for me. Any time I've travelled overseas I've visited my family in Canada, and so every trip has meant either anticipation or sadness (though I generally hold on to the former more as you can see in the intro of this post). And airports are full of these emotions. Picking up my Nonna from the airport the other day, I realised how many people are so affected by distance, with a front-row seat to a number of emotional reunions.

There are always two sides to a story, and for travel they are very large sides. The idea that we can travel to places on the other side of the world and discover cultures we've only seen in movies is extraordinary. Experiences like these are priceless and the knowledge we gain is for life.

However, the other side is the people we miss. Distance is okay if it's temporary, but when you have your family split between two countries, or a loved one fighting overseas, or your partner living across the world, it becomes difficult.

As I wrote in my English Paper 2 essay, "although there is a yearning for physical presence between two separated people, there is always an emotional connection that remains." So as long as distance only separates us physically, and there is something deeper than that that holds us together, distance is okay... well, temporarily.

Tights are not pants.

That is all.

Shout out to film!

I love film. It will always win over digital. :)


This is a camera I bought a few months ago at a "vintage market" for 5 bucks.. Bargain? I believe so. I also have a Diana F+ lomography camera that I had been wanting for agesss, and Anthony got for me for my birthday in October :)


Also in my growing "collection" of film cameras is an ancient Canonet which I'm not entirely sure even works! haha. And I even have a DIY cardboard pin-hole camera which Linda got me for my birthday... I find incredibly awesome. It's comprised entirely of cardboard, a little metal disk and loads of craft glue!


Anyway, film rocks. End of story. :)

Insane.

My head is about ready to explode. All these results revealed this week... it's insane.

^ Haha. In regards to the above line, that was all I wrote on Thursday and I couldn't even continue! But it truly was insane... all the work we have put into the past year or so of our lives just Bam! squeezed into a series of numbers which will help define where we will end up next year, and evidently who we'll end up next year.

To all those who finished this year... CONGRATULATIONS! :) Now the pressure is off, and we can enjoy the freedom, rest and sunny(ish) weather. And whether or not you got the marks you had been hoping for, there are always alternative paths to what you want to do... Sorry, I'm starting to sound like a year coordinator now :| I'll stop. But you know what I mean! Don't give up! :)

To be honest, I am still unsure about the course I'm heading into next year. We're only young, and we already have to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life? Insane. Okay, sure, we can change our minds a thousand times, but still! I don't know about you, but I think it's incredibly daunting, especially considering how many different universities, courses, majors, etc... there are out there! Ahh! I think I'll be putting off making those choices for a while.

I hope all you HSC kids out there with me are happy with your results... but remember, this isn't the end! :) Good luck with university acceptances, tafe or college plans, gap year planning, and whatever else! Peace out.

Understanding.

I watched American History X today and in contrast to my last blog entry, it was brilliant and tragic. If you haven't seen it yet, I recommend. It explores the racist struggle that the world is faced with in modern times, and the strength it takes for someone to change themselves to become a strong and respectable person.

Sometimes it is easier for us to place judgement on others rather than getting to know who they are. Understanding is what this world is seriously lacking. The narrator of the film quotes Abe Lincoln at the end of the film and it's really stuck to me...Watch it, enjoy it, and you could possibly learn something from it :)

"We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battle-field, and patriot grave, to every living heart and hearth-stone, all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature." - Abraham Lincoln, First Inaugural Address 1861

Worst movies ever.

During my holidays, I have found myself with so much spare time it's insane (and awesome!) It's difficult to get bored... I'm not too sure how people even reach boredom when you get holidays like this. Anyway, with some of said spare time, I fit in some movies here and there and I thought I might share with you my bottom rated movies ever... in no particular order

Miss March
I only watched this recently and I cannot believe I made it through to the end. It follows the story of this guy Eugene who fell down the stairs the night of his high school prom, is in a coma for four years, wakes to find out his long-time girlfriend is now a Playboy bunny, and sets out to find her with his douche-of-a-friend Tucker. There is a complete lack of a real story line - or morals for that matter. Oh, and he can't control his bowels due to the fact that he's just come out of a coma. Jee, that's entertaining :|

Burn After Reading
I don't understand. Brad Pitt... George Clooney... How could it have gone so, so wrong? This film seriously lacked any meaning. Two gym employees who find this ex-CIA agent's memoirs that they then try to sell back to the CIA, and later the Russian embassy ? It was executed so badly. And Brad Pitt's character dies in what I believe was the worst screen death ever. I mean, I'm not saying that death is supposed to be entertaining. But in this film, it was just like BLAH! and he's dead. They presented it really poorly, with no thought.

Blues Brothers 2000
Don't get me wrong, Blues Brothers, the original film, was good. I watched it as a child and remember enjoying it heaps. But the sequel. Wow. Bad. Elwood is released from prison to re-unite with the band and play at this Battle of the Bands, and ends up being chased by the police, the Russian mafia, and a militia group ? And if I remember correctly, there were aliens in it... and not the good kind like Star Wars or even the okay kind like ET, but the totally weird kind like in My Uncle the Alien.

Date Movie
Wow. See, I would try and describe for you what this is even about, but really one of its downfalls was its lack of plot. Nothing actually happens! It's just a compilation of really bad parodies. Oh, the most horrible thing I remember though was when they did the makeover on someone and the lyposuction was used to fill a huge jar of mayonaise. Nasty.

Dreams and nightmares.

There has not been a night in the past month or so that I haven't had a dream or nightmare. I sometimes find them difficult to face. I mean, where else but your self-consciousness will you find your true hopes and fears? In wakefulness it is difficult to enough to be able to honestly divulge to oneself (let alone to others) these things. Sometimes our dreams and nightmares are what help us realise them, and sometimes they are what create them.

I never thought I cared about the things my nightmares present. They introduce me to new fears. Doesn't the world offer enough to fear, without your subconscious having to make you realise the many more out there? But I suppose it is what we do with the fear... will we let it control us and get in the way of what we wish to achieve? Or will we face our fears and push through? In that sense, nightmares allow us to analyse what we fear and why we fear these things, allowing us to consider whether or not we should any longer fear them. Am I making any sense?

Dreams and nightmares give us a kind of freedom from our fears and allow us to recognise further our hopes, that our consciousness does not allow. Without dreams and nightmares, only our conscious selves can evaluate our lives, and sometimes that push to look at things subconsciously is just what we need.

Teenagers.

"When adults say, "Teenagers think they are invincible" with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."
- John Green, Looking for Alaska

Perhaps.

I was watching a film today and it made me wonder, why do we get so attached to the fictional characters we meet? Whether it be films, books, plays, is there something within each and every character that we can relate to ourselves?

This in turn would mean that we all have something between ourselves and every person we meet in reality which is relatable. Whether its a fear of spiders, a longing to be left alone, a need to have someone to love, the avoidance of reality... there is something, always something that we can relate to another. So why then, is there such lack of understanding in society?

Perhaps if we could find the things that bind us to other people, rather than focus on the things that keep us apart, we'd be happier beings, with something more fulfilling in our lives than scorn and hatred. But perhaps that's just a Great Perhaps...

Muffins.

So I'm just recovering from my first near-death experience... Okay, perhaps that's a bit over-dramatic, but it was the most scared I've ever been in my life and death seemed a almost likely. I ate chicken for dinner, and I swallowed a bone which then proceeded to block my breathing passage and induce an anxiety attack. I'm okay now, but it made me realise how easily life can catch you off guard.

If you were to die tomorrow, would you be happy with everything you have achieved? The kind of person you were? Even the thought of not having a future to be part of is so scary. the chance to do all that you had hoped to through life. I know I wasn't going to die tonight, but it made me realise how lucky I am to have life to look forward to... and life seems different now. It's like it's put things into perspective. Okay, I may seem a bit over-dramatic again, but I'm sure you know what I mean.

That aspect made me think of the play I went to today. It's called The Grenade, and it's about a grenade that a family finds in their house (with the pin in of course) and they try to determine who planted it. In one of the scenes, Randy pulls the pin from the grenade, still clasping shut the release. The other two characters who are in the room eating muffins back off hurriedly, scared for their lives, threatened by the idea of death.

When Randy puts the pin back in place, the others take a sigh of relief, being given back their chance of Future, and the muffins they had been eating tastes a thousand times better. That's what I'm saying... But why can't muffins taste that amazing every day?

Shouldn't we just appreciate life as we are, and realise how lucky we are to have Futures to look forward to? We have to savour every muffin life throws at us.

Sorry.

Apologies for a lack of posts in the past week. One might assume that posting here was slightly a result of the need to procrastinate during my HSC time.. but no, it's not just that, and so I promise I'll continue through my awesomely ginormous holidays! :)

I've been planning my 18th party since the end of my HSC.. so lots to do! I have to go make my costume right now, but cross my heart I'll write something actually worth reading next time haha. Or try to anyway!

To all those who just finished HSC.. WOOOO! It's finally over. Congrats on making it through! Now for the BEST SUMMER OF OUR LIVES. ;)

I am free.

AT LAST ! :)

It feels so great not to have to stress about anything anymore... besides about the results of course. But I'll deal with that when it comes to it. All I need to worry about now is getting through my list of awesome things to do during my holidays (shall fill you in on that soon). And! I get to read books without having to analyse them. Awesome much? Very.

The countdown. An update.

39 days since graduation.
18 days since my 18th birthday.
18 days since the start of HSC.

1 day until FREEDOM. :)
25 days until formal.
30 days until the best Summer of my life.
45 days until I find out my HSC results.
46 days until I find out my ATAR results.
57 days until the Canadians come to visit. :)
61 days until the new year.

Simplicity.

This is a short film I found today. I won't say much, but it's pretty cute. Just enjoy it for what it is, and the simplicities. :)

What if?

The instinctual desire to try something is amazing. Dismissing inhabitions, and just going for that gut feeling is even more amazing.

I mean, throwing away inhabitions is probably one of the scariest things we as humans have to face, but it is one of the most freeing. I push myself to convert my fear into excitement, to take hold of the opportunity in front of me and hope that something comes of it. Of course it's not guaranteed that something may, but isn't it better to take that chance?

Or would you rather live in a world of What Ifs?

Over seven hundred?

Seven hundred and thirty page views? When did this happen? Shawks guys.

I don't even know how many people actually read this, but to those who do, thank you :) Don't be shy to comment, yeah? If you disagree with something, or something doesn't make sense, or you just feel like sharing the love... You don't have to have an account to comment. And I'd love to know what you're all thinking!

Anyway, not much to say today as I am busy busy "studying" for this thing they call HSC. Perhaps another one of my poems to fill the void? It is kind of depressing, I admit...


Sweet Surrender

Speeding down the highway,
Through the fog and pouring rain.
Blood smeared down my jacket sleeve,
My own desired stain.

An empty bottle of Jack
Simply rattles across the floor.
It's failed to erase the memories
I am desperate to ignore.

Nothing lies before me,
But this dark and empty road.
This nothingness, it troubles me.
I am ready to explode.

My heart, it beats like raindrops,
Heavy and pounding against my chest.
Never have I felt so alive,
Nor so longed eternal rest.

I catch one last short breath,
And shut my vacant eyes.
Succumbing to the one within,
Who’s been wearing my disguise.

Switching the pedals below me,
Locking in my wheels and fate.
And releasing me from everything.
Regrets of life and hate.

Gliding across the tarmac,
Invisible. Numb. I’m flying.
I have finally found my escape,
From a life entrapped in dying.

Fear and hope.

You know the feeling of just need, want, desire... that boils within you?

But uncertainty creeps over you like a dark shadow, and don't know if you will ever obtain it... How can you reach it? What's standing in your way? What would you give to have it?

What are we without our dreams and fears? We are nothing.

We put ourselves out there every day to try and reach the things we desire, but there is no crystal ball. We can never be sure of the success and failure to come in life.

We wear our hearts on our sleeves, running in circles sometimes until we break down, exhausted by the drive that pushed us and pushed us. Sometimes we crack and can't take it any longer. We become overtaken by this idea that we can't succeed. And so we settle.

We let go of this hold we have on desire. Let go of the need to fulfill any kind of dream. And we become society, rather than an individual.

I just hope I never give up on what I want my future to be. People say that if you believe it enough, things will happen. I don't agree with that at all. You have to work to get to where you want to be. You can't just rely on hope, you have to be willing to put in the effort.

I may try a million times and fail, but I will try a million times more.

T. S. Eliot is amazing.

"I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light... and the stillness the dancing."

18.

Before I begin studying English for the last time in my life (!!!).. I just wanted to say that perhaps being seventeen forever was an unecessary wish.

Turning eighteen, I don't feel any different, like I thought I would. And I still feel too young for the "privledges" of being a so-called "adult" haha. Perhaps that may change over time, but I think I'll still be a child for many years to come :)

"Change is inevitable" my Business Studies textbook tells me, and so resistance should not be an option. Getting older is part of life I suppose, but age is only a number. Ahh, that's so cliché! I apologise, but it is the truth.

And anyway, statistics show that people who have the most birthdays live the longest!

No time.

I don't really have much to say... I should actually be studying right now! Stupid HSC.

Seeing as I haven't much time to make real blog posts these days, I thought I might share a poem I wrote. I wrote it about a year ago for someone I used to know.

Stronger Today

Today I will be stronger,

Today I will be me.

I’m killing all my demons,

From today I shall be free.

This weight upon my shoulders,

Has been causing my decay.

I shall lift it off, burn it through.

I’m a new person today.

You’ve held me back from life,

And too my heart from love.

You even had me doubting,

My faith in god above.

You’ve ruined me for too long now,

Today I take control.

I’m not the person of yesterday.

Today I save my soul.

No giving into temptation,

No pain brought on myself.

I do not deserve it all.

I want back my heart and health.

I’ve been smiling on the outside,

But today it's inside too.

I’m leaving my past behind me.

Today I’m pushing through.

So now your time has passed,

You don't control me any longer.

Today I am my own self.

Today I will be stronger.

HSC stinks.

It really does.

Endings.

I would like to know why high schools force us to go through so many endings when it comes to 'The End.' In the past week of high school - which indeed was the last - we had 1 last day of classes, 2 graduation masses, 2 presentations of our end of year results, and 1 end of year excursion. It doesn't even seem like the end anymore.

It's like "Oh this is it! ... But wait, you have to say Goodbye again tomorrow ... Okay, this is it! ... Wait wait wait ... You must first graduate.. Again. Tomorrow."

I haven't even had the chance to be emotional about it. You'd think leaving all of it behind would count for some emotional reaction, right? I guess once I start reading people's messages on my graduation bear, I'll crack open. But I am currently avoiding that. Perhaps I'm avoiding the thought of it really being the end. I like to think I am ready to move on, into a new adventure, but I really can't say that I am just yet.

Speaking of signature bears and all those kinds of things, I find them really fake sometimes. That's why I only got a bear, so that there was limited space for people to write - thus an excuse to only have my close friends write something and I knew it would count for something, and really mean something.

Some people are getting random classmates that they knew from some class back in the day... I mean, what do these people know about you? I was asked to write in a few of these random books. I don't know what to write in them. I didn't really know them. It bugs me really to see someone try and draw something sentimental from someone they haven't that connection with. What's the use? I would rather a less amount of messages from a group of people who mean more to me. Does that even make sense?

This brings us to social obligations. But that's for next time! I have a Maths past paper to get started on... :) Peace.

Back in time.

If you could go back in time, would you change anything? I hear so many people talk about regrets it makes me wonder whether they'd actaully go through with changing things if they could.

Do you really want to be someone that you aren't today? What's stopping you from changing now? Where would you be if it hadn't been for the people and events in your past?

Although a lot of stupid stuff has happened in the past, and I may have made mistakes, it made me who I am. Okay, I know I'm sounding completely cliché now, so I'll stop here. Think about it though :)

Dear little me.

Challenge Post 04- A letter to the person you were 10 years ago

Dear Little Me,

Most boys are douchebags. The only one you can always trust is your Dad, the rest you must wait and figure them out for who they are. Wait to meet him. And trust me, you'll know who I'm talking about when you do. And never doubt it for too long :)

You're going to come to a point where people's thoughts seem more important than your own, but sweetie, this is not how it works. Look in the mirror and believe with all that you are, that you are strong and should stay just the same. Don't change because they're changing... Do you really want to be like all of them?

Moving to a high school where you know no-one is going to be scary. You may think that it feels like the end, but really it's only the beginning. Don't get bitter though, your worst enemy is going to turn into your best friend, and you'll never lose touch. You're going to meet the craziest girls there soon enough; and you'll love it.

You must follow your heart. And your instincts. Oh, and don't jig. You will get busted. Oh! And when you think you know the answer to the Secret Sound on the radio, CALL! Otherwise someone else will be $50 000 richer. Then save it.

The rest I leave to you. Never doubt yourself, you know more than you think you do. :)

With love,
Your future self.

Ohana.

As each day passes at school, I realise how much I really won't miss it. I know that sounds weird or whatever, but I'm serious. I'm really over it and just ready for a new adventure. It's been 13 years of being stuck in the same routine; we've never known anything else. Everyone says they'll miss the social side, but if you're close, then what's preventing you from seeing your friends beyond school?

Challenge Post 03- A picture of you and your friends

Friends are amazing things. I know I seem completely cliché in saying so, but oh well, it's my view. The girls I hang out with at school have become almost like family to me - 'Ohana' as Lilo would say. We're the crazy bunch who play Hide'N'Seek at lunch, and go into hyper-drive much too easily :)

Shams, Emma, Provie, Nat, Miriam, me, Aleks, Bec... Alyssa's missing.

We're really tight, and what I love is that we can be ourselves around each other... A lot of people are too afraid of what other people think - even their friends - that they're hindered from being who they are. In my group, however, we're pretty much as crazy as each other, so there's not even room for criticism.

We've never had a fight... Which seems much too common for a grade full of girls. Ha. Who am I kidding? High school is so full of drama and gossip and rumours, but my group has this awesome protecto-shield from all that bullshit. Between us, the only thing we would argue over is food.

They really do mean a lot to me, and I can't wait for all the adventures that lie ahead... Especially after HSC!

The meaning.

Challenge Post 02- The meaning behind your blog name

Passionately Curious comes from a quote of Einstein's actually;

"I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious"

I often find myself in a predicament of not knowing who I am or what I want to be, where I want to go, what I wish to do... And a lot of people go through it as well.

So when confronted with the question of where I'm headed, the quote is my simple thought on the matter.

Sure, there are things I'm good at, but they stem from my curiosity of wanting to know more; this desire to discover things and experience the world for what it is. And don't get me wrong, I don't mean this in a bad way at all; it allows me to figure out the things I want and the person I wish to be.

You know, Einstein was a pretty awesome guy. He proved that molecules and atoms exist; laid the foundation for quantum mechanics; came up with the theory of special relativity; oh and did I mention E=mc2 ? He wrote and published five of history's most important science papers at the age of 26 in his "spare time." Simply amazing. And who doesn't love his scruffy hair-do?

I'll leave you with another brilliant Einstein quote to ponder on...

"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."

The recent me.

Challenge Post 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

A lazy Sunday with Anthony

This is one of my most recent photos, taken at Emma's birthday picnic with Anthony :) I chose it because it makes me smile, and so does he. We don't actually take many pictures together, but I like how this just captures a simple unexpected moment between the two of us.



Okay, 15 "interesting" facts about me...

1. My favourite colour is black - and I really don't care if you think it's only a tone
2. I'm afraid of dying
3. I don't believe in karma, destiny, fate, soulmates.. all that mumbo jumbo
4. When I was younger, I wanted to grow up to be the pink Power Ranger
5. I often forgive, but I rarely forget
6. My favourite number is 6
7. I'm a grammar Nazi
8. I don't know what I'd do without Daniel or Sabrina
9. My favourite food is French toast
10. I fidget almost constantly
11. I cried the first time I watched Star Wars III
12. I write poetry - or what I like to consider "poetry" anyway
13. I love overhearing someone talk about me, whether it's good or bad
14. I love all the cheesy things
15. I love the rain

Challenge.

Okay, so I've decided to try this thing.. A 30 day Blog challenge.

Someone suggested it to me, and so I googled it, but because I'm a stubborn person - don't blame my Italianess! - I didn't like everything so I'm adapting it. Haha. I'm combining the 30-Day Tumblr Challenge, the 10-Day Challenge and the 30-Day Letter Challenge to create the... *Drumroll...* 30-Day Just a Challenge Challenge! *The crowd goes wild!* Hehe

I'm not going to be doing it day per day - could be more than once a day, maybe only once a week... We'll see how it goes anyway with HSC study and all. And it will indeed be amidst my usual silly posts :)

And I would advise you all to try it. Whether you have a blog, or you just do it in your journal or something, you could learn something about yourself ? The list will be revealed each post... Enjoy! :)

Art.

This week has been exhausting. Anyone who's done or is doing a HSC major work would know what I mean. I had my HSC Drama performances on Wednesday... All the late night, weekend and lunchtime rehearsals; all the scripting, editing and brain-farts; all the stressing, panicking and nerves... All worth it.

It's bitter sweet I suppose. Our little Drama family will hopefully not disperse after high school. It's been fun and absolutely insane working with the girls for so long. I'll miss it heaps.

But I moved on from exhaustion (or tried to) almost right away. That night I went to the St. Paul's Creative Arts Night with Anthony and his family. I can tell you now, those boys are talented. One guy I can promise you will be the next Jimmy Hendrix, or dominate. The Drama boys performed the most entertaining and hilarious Shakespeare piece I've ever seen or will see in my life. And I was in awe of the visual art on display.

Art is often hard to define. To me, it's what happens when the heart and mind combine and explode a person's interpretation of life into a medium, creating something that triggers someone else to engage in life and see something they had not before. As Edgar Degas once said, 'Art is not what you see, but what you make others see.'

My framed print of Edgar Degas's painting 'Dance Class' is one of the few things that have actually remained in my room over the years. My parents hung it on my wall when I was five and it has moved through seven different locations around my room since. From when I was young, the colours and textures intrigued me, pulled me in, creating a desire in me to be able to create such works.

I love art, and it's one of the few things I'm actually good at... without trying to blow my own trumpet. It's something I'm passionate about and love doing. That, as well as acting and writing (which are also technically arts).

I couldn't imagine life without passion... that thing that sets you on fire, that you could do for hours on end and not even realise a moment has passed you by. Which is close to, I suppose, what we could also define as love. When too much of something isn't enough, it sets you alive; and makes Forever an intensely and uncontrollably desired tangible.

Decisions.

When it comes towards the end of high school, we often find ourselves lost for answers. At some points, the most important may seem the ones we're presented with in our exams; but the most daunting of all I believe is the question of what's to come after high school.

I've been trying to decide what I want to do with my life. It seems a bit melodramatic to think that whatever we decide now will decide the rest of our lives, but I feel like I need at least some kind of direction to head in. I know the things I love to do, and what I'm good at, but where do I go from there?

I can't even imagine myself in the future. Have you ever tried that? Trying to picture yourself in 5 or 10 years from now... Where will you go? Who will you be? What will you know? Who will matter? And who no longer does?

This is my problem when trying to decide what I want for my future; I can't imagine my life so changed. But it's inevitable that things will change, which is the beauty of it. We haven't known anything but school since we were 5... it's scary, yet so incredibly liberating! :)

There are so many choices to make and opportunities to arise. I just hope that I can figure out which to make and take, to lead me into a life I'd be happy with and proud of.

We can never be completely sure about our future, just the decisions we make that build up to it... I wish things would become clearer sooner.

Beautiful Letdown.

I found the below when I was looking at different perspectives behind the song 'The Beautiful Letdown' by Switchfoot and somebody wrote this about it; or more, about life. They put it really well.
 
"Physics tells us that everything on this planet will fail us eventually. Trust someone, fall in love: your scars will tell the same story. Entropy, pain, beauty, love, hope... mix them together and call it living. The choice that remains is where we go to find meaning and truth.

The biggest failures and disappointments in my life have led me to look beyond what money or power or friends can buy. When you're face down at the very bottom of who you are, and there is no formality or pretence to cling to, all your masks fall off. In this broken place, our lives can be seen for what they are, no more no less; we are ourselves.

The question is this: What happens after the twin towers in our lives fall? Do we become bitter and hateful or does redemption come into focus? I've been on both sides...only one is beautiful."

Survival.

Survival is probably one of the best feelings! Rising above something that at one point towered over you with power. I survived two things this week, and it felt so great.

Firstly, I survived my HSC trials! :) I am so glad they're over now. All that stress over a bunch of exams? So not worth it. However, I probably wouldn't have stressed as much if I had started studying earlier on. I think most of them went pretty well, but word from the previously unwise: STUDY MUCH BEFORE THE NIGHT BEFORE! Lol. It'll help.

Thing I love most about it is that now I'm a giant step closer to the end of the tunnel! I have exactly 60 days until my first HSC exam (and my 18th birthday for that matter) and I cannot wait for it to be over! I just want to do and learn what I want to, rather than all this other junk I won't remember or even need once that last exam is over.

I suppose school was what helped me to determine what I love though, so kudos to that. And to broadening my mind as well. Okay okay, school is actually pretty good. Yes, I did just admit that. But where would we be right now without school?

Thing is though this week my immune system had been destroyed, and I assume it's due to the stress, which really sucks. This is the downside of school. But this was my second survival.

Due to the lack of my already quite poor immune system, I caught a stomach bug on Thursday... Which I suppose was good timing in the sense that I finished my last exam that afternoon. But I was supposed to have a nice start to my long weekend of freedom, but no. Instead I was practically attached to a bucket, being revisited by past meals for the entire night. Oh the joy :/

You know what I hated most about it though? Feeling so weak, both literally and figuratively. You know what I mean? It's like we're defeated by our own bodies! We generally have control over ourselves, but sickness just takes all our power and brings us down to this horrible level! It's really not fair.

Well, as long as we're able to pick ourselves up again I suppose. Which is what survival is about too.

Exams - Take a break and come back from it stronger for the next ones.
Illness - Rest and regain control over our own bodies.
Job rejection - Learn some new stuff and be the best you can be.
Broken heart - Big tub of double chocolate ice-cream and the girls or guys.

And sometimes all you need is your friends. Don't ever underestimate these. You know how you would jump in front of a bus for them? Don't ever forget that they would do the same.

Le Grand Content.

This is a video that someone shared with me recently. It's really interesting and worth watching. :)

Conform?

So I haven't blogged in a few days... Sorry, I suppose I've been a tad uninspired. I'm spending most of my days now studying for trials. Oh the stress! All I want to do all the time is sleep. Haha. Can you blame me?

I took tonight off though. I mean come on; I don't have an exam until Monday... on which I actually have two but oh well. Tomorrow I'll be spending the day at school studying maths and rehearsing for drama :) So that compensates for tonight, yeah?

Tonight I finally got to see Anthony... Finally. Man I hate HSC. Oh, and my parents hung out with us too. Hahaha. Twas a tad awkward at some points, but I still enjoyed the time we got to spend together. We watched the end of some old movie, and then Grease. The first one... oh my goodness. There was this long-as sex scene in it :| Well, it probably wasn't that long, but when you're watching it with your boyfriend and your parents... LOL.

To a more serious matter however, can you believe Anthony had never seen Grease until tonight?! The poor kid. It may not be the greatest film ever, sure, I'll admit to that. But it's just one of those films you have to see. Like, Titanic or Chicago or... The Wizard of Oz. Know what I mean?

You know what I realised about Grease tonight though? I really don't like the ending. And no, I'm not talking about the flying car. Haha. Though that was pretty bad. I mean Sandy changes who she is just so that Danny can accept her. They have all these mishaps during the film, only to be brought together finally at the end because she conforms?! Why, Sandy? WHY?!

You should never have to change who you are for some guy, or anyone for that matter. Ugh. That was disappointing to realise today.

And now Australia's Next Top Model is reiterating this... I mean the positive of it I suppose. This girl Kimberly - my goodness, she's a bit odd and quirky, so everyone just picks on her. It's pretty cruel. The thing I love though is that she doesn't try to fit in just for the sake of fitting in. And why should she have to?

I think it's more fun being unique. Who wants to be like everyone else?

Film.

It's 12:43am, the day before my first trial HSC exam and I am wide awake. My sleeping pattern has been so thrown off by everything lately that it's crazy. I often stress too much to even get a proper night's rest anyway... Well, it's a mixture of stress and just random thoughts that go racing through my head constantly.

I've realised lately that there is never a moment that my mind is just silent... not observing, analysing or anticipating anything. Just left alone to sit there and simply be. Even when I'm asleep, my mind is off dreaming somewhere. Is it possible to achieve complete silence?

Anyway, rather than spending this time now that I'm awake studying for my English exams, I'm spending it looking for a film camera on EBay... I'm being oh so productive today already ;) And yes, film. I am really so over digital at the moment.

Honestly, photos are supposed to capture real moments and memories... And these things in life don't have a 'delete' button. Also, film offers much better quality, not just dependant on how many megapixels it can encapture in a photo. And remember those days you'd take the negatives to the photo developers and have to wait to get to see the photos you've taken? Anticipation is so underrated. Seriously, think about it.

Alright, sleepiness is starting to kick in now. Wish me luck for English!

Just let go.

Sometimes I am envious of the rain; the way it just lets go and pours down. I wish I could do that... just cry if I want to cry. Not have to act like everything is okay to everyone else. If I feel something, then I want to feel it without having to hide. Not sit and smile, and wait for it to go away.

And why, if we are so filled with excitement, passion or happiness, can't we dance like crazy in public? All those peering eyes shouldn't count for a thing. To hell with it!

Why are we so afraid of our emotions? Or more importantly, why are we afraid to show them to others? We're all human; we all feel happiness and pain, danger and love. So why do we let other people's thoughts cloud our own need to express?

If I'm happy, I will dance. If I'm sad, I will cry. And if I love, then I will love with all my heart. Because I don't want to hide anymore.

Pitter patter on my window.

I love the rain. And I don't understand how people can't love the rain.

Worried about your hair? Mud on your shoes? Come on people, you can't have a rainbow without any rain... Nor can you go jumping in puddles, or squish-stomping in the mud!

I can tell you something I know I definitely don't love however... Umbrellas! I have the worst luck with these annoying things that claim to be "helpful." Over the past about three years, every umbrella I've owned has flipped upside-down, or been stolen, or has had its handle snap... Once I had a spider crawl out of my umbrella only to drop right on my head! Urhh.

Umbrellas are EVIL.

The poison.

I'm trying this new thing you see... "sucking all the poison out of my life" as Cady from Mean Girls had put it. And laugh if you wish for quoting that film, but pretty much, that's our whole generation encompassed in a 97 minute piece. Go on, deny it.

So I'm attempting to mend my broken things. To face people you've wronged is difficult though; perhaps an easy task on paper, but admiting you're wrong, asking for forgiveness, or simply walking up to someone you've drifted from, I'm finding to be entirely difficult. I suppose rejection is the biggest thing I fear in these situations. You can try as much as you like to be mature and try to fix things, but nothing is stopping the other person from simply walking away. Sure, you've tried, but are they going to put as much effort in it as you are willing to? And will things ever be the same?

I did something this year... I made a decision that I'm meant to feel guilty about it. And you know, parts of me do, but parts of me just can't submit to guilt; these parts are attached to something stronger than the past, something stronger than my desire to even be forgiven.

Things aren't making much sense are they? Well I suppose nothing ever really makes complete sense.

The lovebirds are back.

For those who read my first blog a couple days ago ('People are interesting'), you can guess who these are. They were back again today... so cute. I had share a pic.

Sorry, I forgot I had a fly screen lol. It's pretty blurry, but you can see them.

Masking our fear.

We're renovating! Okay not really, but we're fixing up our garden... That's still technically renovating, isn't it? Well it excited me today to discover that we now have a gardener! Though, to my despair, he is no Jesse Metcalfe *sigh. Instead, we have a scruffy looking middle-aged man who doesn't seem to actually do much. Each time I peeked out the kitchen window, he was simply standing there, one hand on his hip and the other holding a drink bottle. Oh well, as long as he gets the job done, and whatever's in that bottle isn't Vodka, then I think we're good.

Our garden used to be quite an interesting place, previously mistakable for the Amazon... but more recently for the Sahara. It used to have all these huge flowers and lovely bushes everywhere, with a lively pond amidst it all... Until the summer of 2008 where everything shriveled and died in the heat, and had since been denied any attention.

So about school, I think I have grays coming through! What is it with school anyway? They want us to stress, they don't want us to stress... MAKE UP YOUR MINDS! I keep trying to convince myself (and others) that it's nothing to stress about. And it isn't; it's not the end of the world. We have to keep calm and do our best, blah blah blah... but how can we help it?

My grade's actually quite funny. We're all acting as if everything is okay on the outside, but I think we're all just masking our fear at the moment. Trials are just next week, and when you talk to each person, you discover that almost every girl in the form has such anxiety. I myself had a bit of a breakdown just the other day in Drama... It started off as simply laughing about something silly in our group performance rehearsal, to uncontrollable laughing, then finally to hysterical laughing mixed with hysterical crying! It was funny, but I didn't know what was happening. All I knew was I couldn't control whatever it was. The stress just got to me like never before I suppose. Usually I'm calm and contained. I guess we all crack at some point; all our stitches come undone in one painful tear. As long as we can get back up and compose ourselves.

We all have to come to terms, however, with the fact that HSC is indeed not the end. There are always other ways of getting into whatever it is that you love after school. Whether you have to study at an alternative university or at TAFE for a semester or a year... so what? If what you love is worth it, then it shouldn't be a problem.

And keep in mind dedication takes a lifetime, but dreams only last for a night.

I can't wait.

8 days until trials.
34 days until six months.
60 days until graduation.
81 days until my 18th birthday.
81 days until the start of HSC.
101 days until FREEDOM.
124 days until formal.
128 days until the best Summer of my life.
143 days until I find out my HSC results.
144 days until I find out my ATAR results.
155 days until the Canadians come to visit.
159 days until the new year.

Unease.

I had one of the worst sleeps of my life last night. Perhaps some of you can relate...

It was one of those nights where you spend the entire time between torpidity and consciousness. I would fall asleep, have some kind of strange dream, wake to find myself in an unbearable heat, throw my sheets off, scorn at the time, shut my eyes, stress to the point where I feel like I'm going to be sick, finally fall asleep again, and then back to the beginning of the cycle and repeat in a similar manner.

However, the third-to-last time I woke, I found a message on my phone which was incredible, from someone who means a lot to me. I didn't at all expect it, and it had this really strange effect on me. I took me ages to reply to it... I just wanted to read over it, it was just so raw and meant a lot to me. I hope my reply had the same effect on them.

Sometimes I wonder whether people know how much they're appreciated. In general, I don't think people often go out of their way to let a friend know how much they mean to them, or how someone has saved their life. I too don't express it as much as I probably should... I think I hide behind my writing as a way of expressing myself. I can never find words in conversation to justify my thoughts.

And sometimes it's simply difficult to confront someone. For example the letter I posted here earlier... Will they ever even read it? I don't know. Would they want to? Can't say they would. Sometimes as humans, we need to get things off our chest I suppose. I wrote it the second-to-last time I woke, half asleep and desperate to say something on the topic. Perhaps one day we'll talk again and things may be mended.

On another note, Synthia introduced me to the most amazing packeted cookies today! They're called Original Gourmet Sandwich Cookies and they're available at Franklins for $1 for this massive pack. OMG. Foodgasm. Haha. They're so addictive, and they're imported from Turkey. I definitely recommend ;)

Dear you.

Dear you,

You may not know who you are, and perhaps you may never even read this. Maybe someone who does read this will be able to get something out of it... There are a few things I need to say.

When we were friends, I thought we weren't. But now we're not, I realise how much trust I put in you. Isn't trust what makes a friendship? There were so many layers to what we were; I can't really grasp any kind of idea.

Right now, what I do know is that you hate me, and frankly, I dislike you quite a lot. The thing is, it's only due to the things you've done to people close to me that I feel that way about you. And you hate me for hurting you. But if we were real friends, well, it would not have hurt. You would have been okay with whatever decision I had made. The decision was mine to make, and if you were my friend, you would have supported me.

But this is not about hate, this is about concern. Even though we're not friends, and I'm not sure if we ever were, I worry about you heaps. It's strange - I wonder if you're okay after everything that's happened. We shared a lot, and those things you told me still plague my mind. Every time I see you, even you quickly divert your eyes onto something else, many things play over in my mind. I'm so scared that something is going to happen.

Then I wonder if I should do something to try and help you. Would it be any use? I tried when we were still talking, and that was no success. I hope you have someone to talk to and who cares about you enough to do something about everything. A part of me wishes I could be that person, who can jump in and save you if you needed me, but I know I'm one of the last people you'd want to help you, or even talk to you for that matter.

The only way you'd talk to me again was if I went back on my decision, but I could never do that. It means too much to me to give up. But if you trusted me as much as I trusted you, then you would see I'm not trying to hurt you.

I see you occasionally, and the way you mask everything. I hope that you will be able to remove it slowly, and bandage things bit by bit. I hope it doesn't suddenly shatter to pieces. But if it does, you have to know how strong you are, and know you can push past it.

You need to know I'm here for you, despite everything.

People are interesting.

Sitting here at my desk, I have a second level vantage point to the houses across the park from me. Particularly "Barry". Well, to be honest, I've never actually met him, and nor do I know his real name. It's funny you know, cause I've never talked to him, but I know what days he does his laundry, the colour of his bedsheets, his dogs' names, and that he never wears any other shoes but those damn yellow flip flops! Okay, he just noticed me staring at him... Awkward smile, walk away!

oOookay, thought - I wonder if he knows random things about me. What would he know? Would he have a name for me? How weird. Wait, then that makes me weird. I swear I'm not weird.

I find people incredibly interesting. Their mannerisms, the way they compose themselves, the way they react to one another... I especially love watching discussions - two minds exploding together. Each person with differing views, shaped by lives lived on separate strands of the universe. It's interesting, in particular, to watch a discussion turn into an argument. I don't completely understand these yet. I mean, of course I've been in arguments with people, but I've come to realise that arguments generally result from misunderstanding. I can't comprehend how people can't try and look at the other person's point of view. But it is quite interesting.

Something else I love about people are their emotions; how each one can be so strong or so fragile. Some people have a heart of stone, but a mind that can shatter into a thousand tiny pieces in a single moment. And there are people, like me I suppose, who have a solid mask, but are easily broken on the inside. I sometimes wonder whether people can be split into two - solid heart or solid mind. Then again, we're surely more complex than that. Well then, how many pieces must we be?

On another note, I think the two birds on my fence are in love. Okay, I know that seems incredibly random, but every day they meet on that spot of my fence right outside my bedroom window. I can tell they're the same birds. They just sit there, cuddled close together, as the world goes by. I suppose that's a part of what love is... Moments of simple togetherness, looking in each other's eyes and seeing nothing but them; the rest of the world is a completely separate and faraway place.

Well, enough random rambling for one day... I should probably get some more study done! Arrivederci